The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XII

42. EXT. SPACE. THANK GOODNESS I WAS GETTING SAND IN REALLY ODD PLACES

An Imperial Tortilla-Chip heads toward the evil planet-like battle station of doom, yes folks, it's the thing you've all been waiting for, Behold! Iain Vader's Vespa of Destruction and doomy doom doom!

47. INT. VESPA OF DESTRUCTION- CONFERENCE ROOM-FERRERO ROCHER FREE

Eight Imperial senators, generals and a partridge in a pear tree, sit around a black conference table, proving that the dark side has good taste in furniture and isn't at all a cliche. Just once, I want the bad guys to have pink, furry cushions and /snip. Imperial stormtroopers, freshly polished, stand guard around the room in case there's an outbreak of rock, paper, scissors. Commander Taggeyou'reit, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking. We can only presume he's supposed to.

TAGGEYOU'REIT
Until this battle vespa is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped, they have blasters, ships, chocolate! They're more dangerous than you realize.

The bitter Admiral Mottalivan twists nervously in his chair, spinning himself furiously up above the table until his legs dangle. Bizarrely, he's wearing brown sandles over grey socks.

MOTTALIVAN
Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to this battle Vespa!

TAGGEYOU'REIT
The Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the Imperial Senate as long as... ooh, this table is so shiny.

Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Taggeyou'reit's speech is cut short and the Grand Moff Texan, governor of the Imperial outland regions and Oz, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Iain Vader. All of the generals stand and bow (Except for Mottalivan, stuck up on his chair) before the thin, eeeeevil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table (he takes it to the window and back again, figuring it was best there to begin with). The Dark Lord stands behind him, fiddling with his iPod-racer, wondering who deleted Britney Spears.

TEXAN
The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently using the old Youtube trick of a few days spent in a glass of Coke. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away, which has only taken us (checks watch) oh, nearly twenty years. Pretty good considering. Anyone for a cup of tea?

TAGGYOU'REIT
That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

TEXAN
The regional governors now have direct control over territories (blah blah, get back to the cute robots!). Two things will keep the local systems in line. Fear, fear of this battle station, of my big, plastic coated buddy here and scary music... three things will keep the local systems in line... shall I come in again?

TAGGEYOU'REIT
And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this Vespa, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it. Cause, y'know, people do leave windows open and stuff.

IAIN VADER
The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. Ah, my chocolate, come back to me with all your gold-wrapped, nutty glory...

MOTTALIVAN
Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained, even if they spot that hole we left. This station is now (presses echo function on mike) TEH ULTIMATE POWER IN TEH STAR WARS UNIVERSE. I suggest we use it!

IAIN VADER
Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is teensy weensy next to the power of (presses blue button on chest, activating Dalek vocoder) TEH FORCE!

MOTTALIVAN
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Saruman Iain Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen chocolates, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort...(the Rebels have a hidden fort? Coolies!)

Suddenly Mottalivan chokes and starts to turn blue under Vader's spell (hat bunny, bunny hat).

IAIN VADER
I find your lack of faith disturbing, and your chair-spinning antics unamusing. Plus, brown sandles, grey socks? N'uh! Do not mock the Ferrero Rocher!

TEXAN
Enough of this! Vader, release him! We've just had this carpet cleaned by Intergalactic Shake 'n Vac specialists.

IAIN VADER
As you wish. (mutters 'darn it' under his resperator)

TEXAN
This bickering is pointless. Lord Iain Vader will provide us with the location of the Rebel fort by the time this Vespa is operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke, though, I guess that's more of a slap, or a homerun... Anyone for a cup of tea?