The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XI

40. EXT. TATOOINE - SAND PIT-WITH TOYS AND SPADE - ROCK MESA - DAY.

Little Ajay stands at the edge of a large sand pit and begins to chatter away in electronic whistles and beeps before putting away his pink bucket and spade for the evening. Osiris and Ma-jin stand over a very dented and tangled Deepio lying half buried in the sand (I blame Ajay, he had the spade, remember). One of her arms has broken off thanks to cheap plastic bolts and a fifty foot drop. Osiris tries to revive the inert robot by shaking her and then flips a hidden reset switch on her back several times until finally the mechanical figure's systems turn on. At least he didn't need to use the mallet.

DEEPIO
Where am I? Why am I half buried in sand? I must have taken a bad step... or several... and now, live from Tattooine stadium, opening for REO LandSpeeder...!

OSIRIS
Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the Sandcastle people return and hit us with their goofy sticks.

DEEPIO I don't think I can make it, though I do still have two legs so this is in no way a plea to get someone to carry me. You go on, Master Osiris. There's no sense in you risking yourself on my account, though it would be nice. I'm done for (mutter, mutter - puppy dog eyes).

Ajay makes a beeping sound that sounds rather like the theme from MASH.

OSIRIS
No, you're not. What kind of talk is that? (tear)

Osiris and Ma-jin help the battered robot to her feet. Little Ajay watches from the top of the pit and idly flies a small kite. Ma-jin glances around suspiciously and feels his pockets for missing cash. Sensing something, he stands up and sniffs the air.

BEN MA-JIN
Quickly, son... they're on the move, I can smell them from three hundred yards with a good breeze. Plus, I can see them, but that's not so impressive.

41. INT. KENOBI'S DWELLING. SMALL, HUT SHAPED, SMELLS OF SOCKS.

The small, spartan hovel (hovel, you'd think he'd at least get a slimy mudpit) is cluttered with desert junk (sand, sand, the odd mummified Sandcastle person) but still manages to radiate an air of time-worn comfort and security thanks, in part, to a sturdy wooden door... Osiris is in one corner repairing Deepio's arm, having carried the droid two miles over burning sands (except it was only ten feet to the Speeder, but it's how you embellish these things). Old Ben Ma-jin sits thinking and playing Sudoku.

OSIRIS
No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter- smelled like cinnamon buns.

MA-JIN
That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved (shifty eyes for lack of future/past continuity).

OSIRIS
You fought in the Clown Wars?

MA-JIN
Yes, I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father. But I was prettier and behold, my beard.

OSIRIS
I wish I'd known him, beard notwithstanding.

MA-JIN
He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior... which, in hindsight, sounds much better than calling him a mopey hair farmer (shakes head). I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself and look, your hair is floppy, just like dad. Oh, and he was a good friend. Which reminds me...

Ma-jin gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around, throwing aside dirty laundry, old beer cans and one headless Jabba the Hutt figure (circa 1983, without Rancor pit). As Osiris finishes repairing Deepio and starts to fit the restraining bolt back on, Deepio looks at him nervously and realises she should have made a run for it. Osiris thinks about the bolt for a moment then puts it on the table, though why you'd need a restraining bolt on a table is anyone's guess. Ma-jin shuffles up and presents Osiris with a short handle with several electronic gadgets attached to it and not at all part of an old lamp incredibly uncomfortable to hold.

MA-JIN
I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it- neither of which are lies. He feared you might follow old Ma-jin on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father didn't... I mean did.

DEEPIO
Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for a while and catch up on this week's episode of Lost.

OSIRIS
Sure, go ahead, and don't tell me what the numbers mean if they ever stop procrastinating.

Ma-jin hands Osiris the saber.

OSIRIS
What is it? A lamp?

MA-JIN
Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster held by a Stormtrooper.

Osiris pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling. Good job he was holding it away from his body, don't you think?

MA-JIN
An elegant weapon for a more civilized time, when we also had blasters and everyone still argued and... ahem. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire, before we were rubbish.

Osiris hasn't really been listening.

OSIRIS
How did my father die? Did he set this thing off in his pocket or something?

MA-JIN
A young Jedi named Iain Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force and the lure of chocolate in gold foil.

OSIRIS
The Force?

MA-JIN
Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his uber power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, makes birds sing and kittens dance. It binds the galaxy together like super glue, but invisible.

Ajay makes beeping sounds, just in case someone mistakes him for a garbage can.

MA-JIN
Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. And where you come from. That is, what you are aside from a droid I HAVE NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (shifty eyes).

OSIRIS
I saw part of the message he was...

Osiris is cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Ajay's face.

MA-JIN
I seem to have found it, ooh, it's like 3-D, better than BluRay.

Osiris stops his work as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes. Yep, he's lost it. Talk about pop and the old days, nothing, show him a pretty girl and the boy's in the zone.

BRIA - REMEMBER HER? MYSTERIOUS CHICK IN CHIFFON?
General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clown Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Evil Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. In fact, right now I'm probably hanging off a wall by my thumbs, or seeing pink Banthaphants thanks to mind altering truth drugs. That aside, I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this AJ unit using Bittorrent. My father will know how to retrieve it and remove all the trojans. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan-duran. This is our most desperate hour, if you don't count a week last Thursday. Help me, Ma-jin Kenobi, you're my only hope.

There is a little static, the pixellated image of a partially erased Elton John concert and the transmission is cut short. Old Ma-jin leans back and scratches his head, dislodging dandruff and a pen. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe still attached to the plumbing of the hovel. Osiris has stars in his eyes, he can't see past 'girl...pretty'.

MA-JIN
You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan-duran.

OSIRIS (laughing)
Alderaan-duran? I'm not going to Alderaan-duran. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is and I haven't even been to the shops for blue milk and unidentified crunchy food.

MA-JIN
I need your help, Osiris. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing and besides, the public won't fancy me until the prequels.

OSIRIS
I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here and blah, blah, whine, whine, emo strop spectacular.

MA-JIN
That's your uncle talking, he's fluent in blah.

OSIRIS
Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead (where is this place? answers on a postcard to Iain Vader, you know he'd love to hear your theories...). You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley Brothers or wherever you're going.

MA-JIN
You must do what you feel is right, of course, and I will not use the power of persuasion upon you (wiggles fingers).