Agony at OTF: Episode Two

Welcome once again to OTF's agony aunt column, where I endeavour to come up with answers to the most grave and serious dilemmas. Over the past month, I've received a few questions - thank you, please do keep them coming! If you don't, Bria will fire me and I'll be out of a job, so my economic well-being is in your hands. 'course, I won't let that pass without retribution, but let's not dwell on such matters and get to helping some poor sods out, shall we?

Dear Auntie Violet,
Today, someone knocked at my door, and when I opened it, I was completely shocked. There was someone standing in front of me, fully dressed up in a Klingon warrior suit, saying: "Howdy, I'm your sister, Loulou!" I was stunned. But it turned out that she's my long lost half-sister, who I have never seen before. (She's 20 years old now, mind you.) And it would have been rude, so I said "Come on in, you rawk!" and to my children "Hey kids, say hi to your auntie Loulou, she's having tea with us!" But then Loulou said: "Q'apla, I only drink bloodwine, and today is a good day to die."
Now I'm confused. I don't have bloodwine in the house, I don't speak Klingon, and I don't want to die today. What should I do?
- Klingon half-sister

Dear Half-sister,
Tell her there's bloodwine in the cellar, lock the door when she's gone down there, pack up your things and leave the country. It's better not to mess with Loulou.

Dear Auntie Violet,
I have a big problem. My boyfriend of two years has been cheating on me with an orang-utan from the local zoo. When I asked him why, he just said "I just wanted someone pretty for once." I'm heartbroken. How could he be so shallow?! I've asked my friends for advice, but none of it seems to help. I still love him to bits, what should I do?
- Monkey Girl

Dear Monkey Girl,
Either dump him, or try a banana diet; maybe it'll make him like you enough to stop cheating.

Dear Auntie Violet,
I really need your help! How could this happen to me? What should I do? I need help!
- Confused

Dear Confused,
Yes, you do.

And with that, we once again come to the end of it for this month. If you have a question that needs an answer (some questions don't... yes, it makes sense) or need some urgent advice, drop me a line at the address below!

All the best,
Violent Violet
_{OTF's Aunt of Agony
auntie.violet@gmail.com.}