The REAL story behind Star Wars... part VIII

28. EXT. TATOOINE - LARS HOMESTEAD - HALF PAST MIDNIGHT AND SEVEN-THIRTY IN THE PM.

The giant twin suns of Tatooine slowly disappear behind a distant dune range - or rather, the second one does as the first one set hours ago, but hey, once you've seen one twin sunset you've seen... a sunset twice. Osiris stands watching it for a few moments, damaging his eyesight, and then reluctantly enters the domed entrance to the homestead garage.

29. INT. LARS HOMESTEAD - GARAGE (SEE - TOLD YOU).

Osiris enters the garage to discover the robots nowhere in sight, but then, the place is so full of gardening equipment and camping gear that I'm surprised he can see anything. He takes a small remote control box from his Batman utility belt similar to the one the Jawas were carrying (the remote, not the belt, it would never fit them). He activates the box, which creates a low hum (sheesh, does your TV remote hum?), and Deepio, letting out a short w00t, pops up from behind the gas barbecue.

OSIRIS
What are you doing hiding there? You better not be looking in that old chest (shifty eyes) which has nothing in it that I may have hidden for personal reasons, oh-no sireee!

Deepio stumbles forward, but Ajay is still nowhere in sight.

DEEPIO
Okay, I'm going to tell you something here, but let's get it clear from the outset that it wasn't my fault, sir Lewsie. This in mind, don't deactivate me. I mean I did, briefly tell him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning, full of old Windows ME software; kept babbling on about his mission.

OSIRIS
Oh, no! (You'll note that he cottons on really quickly here, smart boy)

Osiris races out of the garage followed by Deepio.

30. EXT. TATOOINE - LARS HOMESTEAD - BIT TOO DARK TO SEE.

Osiris rushes out of the small domed entry to the garage and searches the darkening horizon for the small tripod astro-robot (is he a tripod? I mean, somedays yes, others... not so much). Deepio struggles out of the homestead, cursing stairs - and poorly jointed knees - and onto the salt flat (whoah, backtrack! Salt? Quick, let's break the land speeder record) as Osiris scans the landscape with his superdoopergreenblinkylightnightvisiongoggles.

DEEPIO
That AJ unit has always been a problem. These astro-droids are getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their HTML at times.

OSIRIS
How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight, despite the planet being almost flat for at least thirty miles in all directions. Blast it, I thought those things could only go at three miles per hour! How long was I at dinner and musing on my depressing future in the sunset like a big-

DEEPIO
Pardon me, sir-cumference, but couldn't we... you, I meant you, go after him?

OSIRIS
It's too dangerous with all the Village People around. We'll have to wait until morning.

Octavius yells up from the homestead plaza.

OCTAVIUS
Osiris, quit mooning about, I'm shutting the power down for the night and you know what happened last time... when you fell over the edge of the homestead in the dark?

OSIRIS
All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. Boy, am I gonna get it, I may even be grounded, despite approaching my early twenties.

He takes one final look across the dim horizon, and strikes a pose.

OSIRIS
You know that little droid is going to cause me a lot of trouble.

DEEPIO
Oh, he excels at that, sir. Also, jumpstarting robotic limbs.

31. INT. LARS HOMESTEAD - PLAZA - 'S A FUNNY WORD, THAT.

Morning slowly creeps into the sparse but sparkling oasis of the open courtyard (I guess salt blew in overnight). The idyll is broken be the yelling of Uncle Octavius, his voice echoing throughout the homestead like Brian Blessed in a shouting contest.

OCTAVIUS
Osiris? Osiris? Osiris? (Oh, give it up already, you sound like my mum!)

32. INT. LARS HOMESTEAD - KITCHEN - CHOCO POPS AND BLUE MILK... LOVELY.

The interior of the kitchen is a warm glow (warm glow? On Tatooine everything is a warm glow!) as Aunt Billy Bob prepares the morning breakfast. Octavius enters in a huff.

OCTAVIUS
Have you seen Osiris this morning? (huffity, huff, huff, huffaw!)

AUNT BILLY BOB
He said he had some things to do before he started today, so he left early. Maybe he has a paper round?

OCTAVIUS
Uh? Did he take those two new droids with him?

AUNT BILLY BOB
I think so. But who can tell.

OCTAVIUS
Well, he'd better have those units in the south range repaired by midday or there'll be hell to pay and only sand to drink!

33. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT WASTELAND - OSIRIS'S VW LANDSPEEDER - DAY.

The rock and sand of the desert floor are a blur as Deepio pilots the sleek Landspeeder gracefully across the vast wasteland. You just knew Osiris wouldn't do the driving. Little does he know, QDeepio has no license...

34. INTERIOR/EXT. (MAKE YOUR MIND UP!) OSIRIS'S SPEEDER - DESERT WASTELAND - TRAVELLING - DAY.

Osiris leans over the back of the speeder and adjusts something in the motor compartment, I think it's the nylons replacing the fan belt.

OSIRIS
(yelling)
How's that?

Deepio signals that it's fine and Osiris turns back into the wind-whipped cockpit and pops the canopy shut.

OSIRIS
Mumble, mutter, blah, blah, blah, I don't see how that AJ unit could have come this far. (You'll note my version of the script is different from the film here and I can't remember how it goes, so, answers on a postcard to... ah, stuff it, we'll go straight to this bit.)

OSIRIS
Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our droid...hit the accelerator... (tumbling over the seat into the back) No! Not that fast!