Summer is here! Well, it is in Ireland, anyway; the country where the populace swarms outside in bikinis and shorts and slathers on the sun lotion at the first sight of something that vaguely resembles sunshine. Then you realise that it's just a streetlight and it is, in fact, pouring rain and freezing cold and you really should stop drinking so much, but let's not go into that.
This month's Blue Report brings you most of the usual stuff... wait, what's that? All of the usual stuff! Wow. This calls for celebration, drinks on me! Oh look, sunshine.
I have been asked by Brandon to include the word "pimpin'-est" in this month's edition, so I am hereby doing that. I'm not sure what it means - I think it's a type of domesticated tortoise with crocheting tendencies.
I'd tell you the most interesting thing to happen to me this month, but I'd probably be summarily fired. So instead I'll wrap this up here... read on down for the rest of it!
Clear skies!See Full Article]
PS: Hope you all enjoyed April 1st's Spock Rap in TF....Thank/Blame Iain! ;)
"Size matters not", according to one pointy-eared tree stump who nonetheless failed to kick Palpatine's behind in battle. In some situations, this is doubtlessly more true than others, for example in George Lucas' case - the small guys are the ones who play a big role. Artoo, Yoda, Jawas, even Luke Skywalker... and the ever-controversial Ewoks, of course.
Whether you like them or not, whether you think they're cute and cool or pesky and annoying, we don't care. Only a few days ago (at the time of writing this, I'm not in charge of the publishing date) we, that is the Senate, unveiled the new affiliation for the CCC! Thanks to the combined efforts of Hobbie and Soka (and I'm willing to bet Iain had a hand in it somehow) we can now all be Ewoks.
Before you go off and do that, though, bear with me for a moment longer. We still don't have a new DSC, because with CT's resignation, there's no one left to control these senatorial
wars debates. See last month's issue for a prime example. As you can imagine, this means that it takes a looong time before anything is ever decided. The debate about the Ewok affiliation was about all we could fit into one month.
I'll leave you with a quote from one of my lecturers: "I always get nervous when people start getting dressed."
And in that vein, from all of us here in the Senate building, have a nice day and a happy Easter! And remember, if you over-indulge on chocolate, Violet is here to dish out
more some advice on how to deal with it!
Senator of Corellia
1. Congrats on the award! How does it feel to be OTF's Star Trek Patron of the Month?
*looks up from her desk* Oh hello, Kayana! So good to see you! *hugs* Well, what are you saying? I won an award? Patron of the Month? When? And why me? I'm nothing special! *blushes*
2. Why do you think you won it?
Because I'm outstanding, of course. At least, that's what the award says.
3. Any big plans with the award?
Ha, you bet! =) I'll take this opportunity to take over the Senate, make this Sublime Chancellor Hobbie bow down to my greatness, and then I'll brainwash all Senators so that they think Star Trek is cooler and close the CCC.
3.5. What kind of work do you do around the Outpost?
In my function as Design TL of both Engineering and InDev I'm the official Chief Designer of OTF. This means, that I'm responsible for all design aspects of OTF. This includes both web design and graphics design; in summary: whenever you see something pretty, then it's probably me who designed it. =)
Oh, and there's ISA, too. And the OZD. And then I was in Guilds and Entertainment for some time, and even in Communications, back then, around 2000/2001. See, I'm everywhere. =(
4. Why is being ST Patron of the month cooler than all the other patrons? ;)
Hm... does that question really need an answer? =P
5. Remind me again why Hobb- er, SW sucks
Even though I'm almost as old as SW itself, it took me 27 years of my life to finally watch it. Does that suffice as an answer? =(
6. Where's your handle from?
First of all, it's the initials of my real name, and it's also the name of the first Federation Timeship seen on Star Trek. And everyone who thinks, I named myself after Aeon Flux will suffer. :@ =P
7. Any other words of wisdom for OTF? ;)
I'm not wise at all, that's Bria's job. But actually, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone: my producer, my manager, my Mom, Jesus, Tim from accounting, and Eliza our Supervising Producer (You go, girl!!), all the people at Paramount, and... did I mention Jesus?? And... and... *breaks down in tears* =P
She's the queen of disco, the universe, and Â– squid?! Read on to find out what goes on behind the curtains of our SW Patron of the Month's winner, CL7 Queen Demon! That's metaphorical curtains, by the way, I don't mean that she has lace and heavy trimmings stuffed into her brain... look, forget I mentioned it. Just read the interview.
1. Congrats on the award! How does it feel to be OTF's Star Wars Patron of the Month - again?
QD: Well, I really feel surprise... surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... My two feelings are fear and surprise... and abject humility.... My three feelings are fear, surprise, and abject humility... and an overwhelming urge to buy shoes.... Our four... no... Amongst my feelings... are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again.
2. What're you gonna do with it? The award, I mean.
QD: Is it edible? No? Oh... can we get an edible one?
3. Do you have any ambitions left when it comes to OTF?
QD: Edible awards, people falling to their knees when I enter chat and one of those fancy entry lines that makes the world tremble. Failing that, a nice hat.
4. What's the secret to your success in Entertainment and the Senate - and whatever side projects you may or may not have going on?
QD: Do stuff, be excellent to everyone and secret machinations. These machinations are secret, secret and hidden, machinaty and in the works. Um... Entertainment is hiring, join now for secret machinaty doings and excellent stuff! Go Senate!
5. Is there such a thing as a "real Queen Demon" and what's she like?
QD: A real QD... darn it, you've found me out, I'm actually a forty year old male Shrimp genetically engineered by scary scientists. Seriously though, the real QD has trouble with low iron, likes Supernatural, gerbils, playing video games and writing rather dire novels. (Goes into Dean Winchester mode) I'm a Taurus, I enjoy sunrises, long walks through gardens and funny manga. I can be emo, but as I'm older that's allowed, let's just call me grumpy. I will get married in the little chapel of Elvis in Vegas as soon as some cute, rich guy thinks I'm not a complete freak (are you listening David Tennent and Jared Padalecki!). Applications can be sent in writing to (snip).
6. You and SG, a.k.a. Mr. Gim, a.k.a. The Man Of Many Names - how did that come about?
QD: Blame him. Actually, blame us both. We're similarly mad *waves to the significant other*.
7. I notice that neither you nor he are around the chat much anymore. I won't get the truth, of course, but what's your cover story for not being there?
QD: To be honest, lack of time. I love OTF but I know if I walk in the door I'll be there for several hours. Doing machinaty stuff behind the scenes means I can help, but not spend the evening throwing shampoo in the TF pool. I'll pop up, somewhere unexpected. Think of me as in the ether.
8. Finally, do you have any words of wisdom to impart on us?
QD: This is a quote I like, not mine, mine would contain the word squid, or liopleurodon. "Be kind - Remember every one you meet is fighting a battle - everybody's lonesome." I'd like to thank Queenie for, once again, taking the time to answer my questions. Now back to the ether with you! No, not you, you're supposed to read on, I mean her... no, I do, seriously. Get back here!
Bria Terrik (CL7)
Senator of Corellia
Okay, so we decided that we're sick of seeing nothing but Agents; we were all starting to feel like Neo and Iain was starting to feel rather threatened in his claim to be The One, so we've changed to Senators. Actually, it's more because we've interviewed every Agent there is, but that lacks drama. Anyway, I went ahead and interviewed Hobbie, which was a bit chaotic due to the fact that I didn't actually think about anything before I said it. But here it is, regardless.
I need to interview you for the BR, don't I?
I don't know. You're the editor. :(
In that case, I will. On with the second question, then! So, which SW film d'you like best, and why?
Empire Strikes Back. Because that's the only one featuring Hobbie, and I'm shallow like that?
What's so important about the pilot? What's he carryin'? *prods*
Standard issue blaster and vibroblade, I assume?
As good an answer as any. I really didn't think this interview through. :( Okay, way back when, what made you join the Senate?
Well, I've always thought of politics as something fun, and the opportunity to argue about anything and everything constantly was rather appealing. That made the offer hard to turn down, really.
Ah, yes, arguing. What're your hobbies (haha :() apart from arguing?
I have a lot of hobbies! It's called multiple personality disorder, or something like that, if you want to get technical... (A)
Your hobby is called multiple personality disorder? :(
The fact that I have more than one is? :(
Can you not just be normal and tell me what you like doing?! :(
I like not being normal? :(
You just like making things awkward for me :(
That too. :( But alright, I enjoy reading, eating and sleeping, among other things.
Thank you! Okay, so now you're the Supreme Chancellor, how's that working out for you?
It's a bit early to tell, but it's been nice so far. I'm looking forward to the challenge.
Me too, should be interesting. *g* Pandora's playing a song called "Blind Pilots" for me right now, d'you think that's ironic? :(
I don't know. I've encountered some pilots who flew as if they were blind. But I guess the song is probably intended as such.
... after that, it sort of dissolved into a discussion about music and stuff, so let's just leave it at that. Thanks to Hobbie for taking the time to answer my cleverly devised, thought-out, pre-planned questions! ;)
Note: Questions aren't numbered because I wasn't sure what to count as questions and what not. This way, you can all decide, and count, for yourselves. \o/ If you can't count, haha, tough.
Senator of Corellia
Announcing the winner for last month's Rank O'Matic is CL6 Phill with Bunneh Rappeh for CL7 Cinna!!!! Congrats Phill!!! And for his pains...
yes, indeed, facial hair can be both masculine and feminine...
And for this month's Rank O'Matic, I give you OTF's only CL4 Pat!
And thanks one and all for participating.
Your supreme bee,
Again, big thanks go out to CL6 Aeon, our resident image designer!! Thanks Annie!
Welcome once again to OTF's agony aunt column, where I endeavour to come up with answers to the most grave and serious dilemmas. Over the past month, I've received a few questions - thank you, please do keep them coming! If you don't, Bria will fire me and I'll be out of a job, so my economic well-being is in your hands. 'course, I won't let that pass without retribution, but let's not dwell on such matters and get to helping some poor sods out, shall we?
Dear Auntie Violet,
Today, someone knocked at my door, and when I opened it, I was completely shocked. There was someone standing in front of me, fully dressed up in a Klingon warrior suit, saying: "Howdy, I'm your sister, Loulou!" I was stunned. But it turned out that she's my long lost half-sister, who I have never seen before. (She's 20 years old now, mind you.) And it would have been rude, so I said "Come on in, you rawk!" and to my children "Hey kids, say hi to your auntie Loulou, she's having tea with us!" But then Loulou said: "Q'apla, I only drink bloodwine, and today is a good day to die."
Now I'm confused. I don't have bloodwine in the house, I don't speak Klingon, and I don't want to die today. What should I do?
- Klingon half-sister
Tell her there's bloodwine in the cellar, lock the door when she's gone down there, pack up your things and leave the country. It's better not to mess with Loulou.
Dear Auntie Violet,
I have a big problem. My boyfriend of two years has been cheating on me with an orang-utan from the local zoo. When I asked him why, he just said "I just wanted someone pretty for once." I'm heartbroken. How could he be so shallow?! I've asked my friends for advice, but none of it seems to help. I still love him to bits, what should I do?
- Monkey Girl
Dear Monkey Girl,
Either dump him, or try a banana diet; maybe it'll make him like you enough to stop cheating.
Dear Auntie Violet,
I really need your help! How could this happen to me? What should I do? I need help!
Yes, you do.
And with that, we once again come to the end of it for this month. If you have a question that needs an answer (some questions don't... yes, it makes sense) or need some urgent advice, drop me a line at the address below!
All the best,
OTF's Aunt of Agony
40. EXT. TATOOINE - SAND PIT-WITH TOYS AND SPADE - ROCK MESA - DAY.
Little Ajay stands at the edge of a large sand pit and begins to chatter away in electronic whistles and beeps before putting away his pink bucket and spade for the evening. Osiris and Ma-jin stand over a very dented and tangled Deepio lying half buried in the sand (I blame Ajay, he had the spade, remember). One of her arms has broken off thanks to cheap plastic bolts and a fifty foot drop. Osiris tries to revive the inert robot by shaking her and then flips a hidden reset switch on her back several times until finally the mechanical figure's systems turn on. At least he didn't need to use the mallet.
Where am I? Why am I half buried in sand? I must have taken a bad step... or several... and now, live from Tattooine stadium, opening for REO LandSpeeder...!
Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the Sandcastle people return and hit us with their goofy sticks.
DEEPIO I don't think I can make it, though I do still have two legs so this is in no way a plea to get someone to carry me. You go on, Master Osiris. There's no sense in you risking yourself on my account, though it would be nice. I'm done for (mutter, mutter - puppy dog eyes).
Ajay makes a beeping sound that sounds rather like the theme from MASH.
No, you're not. What kind of talk is that? (tear)
Osiris and Ma-jin help the battered robot to her feet. Little Ajay watches from the top of the pit and idly flies a small kite. Ma-jin glances around suspiciously and feels his pockets for missing cash. Sensing something, he stands up and sniffs the air.
Quickly, son... they're on the move, I can smell them from three hundred yards with a good breeze. Plus, I can see them, but that's not so impressive.
41. INT. KENOBI'S DWELLING. SMALL, HUT SHAPED, SMELLS OF SOCKS.
The small, spartan hovel (hovel, you'd think he'd at least get a slimy mudpit) is cluttered with desert junk (sand, sand, the odd mummified Sandcastle person) but still manages to radiate an air of time-worn comfort and security thanks, in part, to a sturdy wooden door... Osiris is in one corner repairing Deepio's arm, having carried the droid two miles over burning sands (except it was only ten feet to the Speeder, but it's how you embellish these things). Old Ben Ma-jin sits thinking and playing Sudoku.
No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter- smelled like cinnamon buns.
That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved (shifty eyes for lack of future/past continuity).
You fought in the Clown Wars?
Yes, I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father. But I was prettier and behold, my beard.
I wish I'd known him, beard notwithstanding.
He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior... which, in hindsight, sounds much better than calling him a mopey hair farmer (shakes head). I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself and look, your hair is floppy, just like dad. Oh, and he was a good friend. Which reminds me...
Ma-jin gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around, throwing aside dirty laundry, old beer cans and one headless Jabba the Hutt figure (circa 1983, without Rancor pit). As Osiris finishes repairing Deepio and starts to fit the restraining bolt back on, Deepio looks at him nervously and realises she should have made a run for it. Osiris thinks about the bolt for a moment then puts it on the table, though why you'd need a restraining bolt on a table is anyone's guess. Ma-jin shuffles up and presents Osiris with a short handle with several electronic gadgets attached to it and not at all part of an old lamp incredibly uncomfortable to hold.
I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it- neither of which are lies. He feared you might follow old Ma-jin on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father didn't... I mean did.
Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for a while and catch up on this week's episode of Lost.
Sure, go ahead, and don't tell me what the numbers mean if they ever stop procrastinating.
Ma-jin hands Osiris the saber.
What is it? A lamp?
Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster held by a Stormtrooper.
Osiris pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling. Good job he was holding it away from his body, don't you think?
An elegant weapon for a more civilized time, when we also had blasters and everyone still argued and... ahem. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire, before we were rubbish.
Osiris hasn't really been listening.
How did my father die? Did he set this thing off in his pocket or something?
A young Jedi named Iain Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force and the lure of chocolate in gold foil.
Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his uber power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, makes birds sing and kittens dance. It binds the galaxy together like super glue, but invisible.
Ajay makes beeping sounds, just in case someone mistakes him for a garbage can.
Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. And where you come from. That is, what you are aside from a droid I HAVE NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (shifty eyes).
I saw part of the message he was...
Osiris is cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Ajay's face.
I seem to have found it, ooh, it's like 3-D, better than BluRay.
Osiris stops his work as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes. Yep, he's lost it. Talk about pop and the old days, nothing, show him a pretty girl and the boy's in the zone.
BRIA - REMEMBER HER? MYSTERIOUS CHICK IN CHIFFON?
General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clown Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Evil Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. In fact, right now I'm probably hanging off a wall by my thumbs, or seeing pink Banthaphants thanks to mind altering truth drugs. That aside, I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this AJ unit using Bittorrent. My father will know how to retrieve it and remove all the trojans. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan-duran. This is our most desperate hour, if you don't count a week last Thursday. Help me, Ma-jin Kenobi, you're my only hope.
There is a little static, the pixellated image of a partially erased Elton John concert and the transmission is cut short. Old Ma-jin leans back and scratches his head, dislodging dandruff and a pen. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe still attached to the plumbing of the hovel. Osiris has stars in his eyes, he can't see past 'girl...pretty'.
You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan-duran.
Alderaan-duran? I'm not going to Alderaan-duran. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is and I haven't even been to the shops for blue milk and unidentified crunchy food.
I need your help, Osiris. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing and besides, the public won't fancy me until the prequels.
I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here and blah, blah, whine, whine, emo strop spectacular.
That's your uncle talking, he's fluent in blah.
Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead (where is this place? answers on a postcard to Iain Vader, you know he'd love to hear your theories...). You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley Brothers or wherever you're going.
You must do what you feel is right, of course, and I will not use the power of persuasion upon you (wiggles fingers).