OTF's Blue Publication June 2006
The Imperial Stardestroyer comes over the surface of the planet Tatooine, it doesn't cast a shadow, we're in space, remember?
15. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT, LOTSA SAND.
Jundland, or "No Man's Land", not to be confused with Disneyland, or "it's a small world", where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand, despite the fact it's hard to do that outside of a dune-buggy, as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland (can a desert be a wasteland? Is it not already a desert, therefore... deserted?). The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand, and I bet that kicked up a cloud.
DEEPIO
How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. Oh, wait, yes I do, it's your fault, dustbin-boy! *sigh* We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life. Though I intend to make it someone else's lot in life once the plan...
Ajay answers with beeping sounds and a lacy parasol pops out of his dome to provide personal shade.
DEEPIO
I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen and I have sand in the strangest places.
Ajay continues to respond with beeping sounds and a lazy twirl of the parasol.
DEEPIO
What a desolate place this is, reminds me of a wet weeknight in London when England's playing a World cup match. Except for the wet part.
Suddenly Ajay whistles 'fanfare for the common man', makes a sharp right trundle and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert (mmm, dessert) mesas. Deepio stops and yells at him.
DEEPIO
Where are you going? Is your GPS playing up again?
A stream of electronic noises and 'Baby one more time' pours forth from the small robot.
DEEPIO
Well, I'm not going that way, and, OMG Britney Spears again? This is like that time you sang Y.M.C.A for a month! Anyway, it's much too rocky. This way is much easier.
Ajay counters with a long whistle and the chorus of 'Crazy'.
DEEPIO
What makes you think there are settlements over there? Oh, and please stop, I'll be humming that for the rest of the scene!
Ajay continues to make beeping sounds, some resembling the Euro classic band 'No limits'.
DEEPIO
Don't get techno with me.
Ajay continues to make beeping sounds. Sheesh, how original.
DEEPIO
What mission? 'The' Mission? You want to look for Robert De Niro? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you and your dance classics! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted iPod!
Deepio gives the little robot a Crane kick (wax on, wax off) and starts in the direction of the vast dune sea.
DEEPIO
And don't let me catch you following me begging for help or the latest Quicktime update, because you won't get it, as I've switched to Quicktime lite due to qttask issues in my msconfig.
Ajay's reply is a rather rude version of the Apple startup sound. He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas Jar Jar Binks.
DEEPIO
No more adventures. I'm not going that way.
Ajay beeps 'The Hills are alive' to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains.
16. EXT. TATOOINE - DUNE SEA. BRING SUN LOUNGERS.
Deepio, hot, tired and clearly lacking an efficient heat sink, struggles up over the ridge of a dune, only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles (desert, duh!). She looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.
DEEPIO
That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better, I switched his A to Z for Autoroute 1886.
In a huff of anger and frustration, Deepio knocks the sand from her joints. Her plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards her.
DEEPIO
Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! Unless of course it's a carelessly discarded milk bottle, in which case, returns cash for me!
The bronze android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport/milk bottle. Hey, at least she's optimistic.
DEEPIO
Over here! Help! Please, help! Got milk?
17. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SUNsSET (lol, I crack me up).
The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist (mists are never foreboding, now fog on the other hand...) and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air (w00t). Ajay moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud clicking noise as he goes (WD40 will cure that). He hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he continues on his way. In the distance, a pebble phone tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small dark figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the narrow path. The unsuspecting robot waddles, duck-like along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow (magnets and computers, bad idea, blue-screen of death imminent). He manages one short electronic squeak before he topples over onto his back. His bright computer lights flicker off, then on, then off again, whilst the disco version of the Star Wars theme plays. Out of the rocks scurry three Jawas, no taller than Ajay, but with hair in all the wrong places. They holster strange and complex weapons as they cautiously approach the robot. They wear grubby cloaks (clearly they have yet to salvage a washer/dryer) and their faces are shrouded so only their glowing eyes can be seen. They hiss and make odd guttural sounds as they heave the heavy robot onto their shoulders and carry him off down the trail. (Dink-dink, dink dink dink dink, dink dink...)
18. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SANDCRAWLER - SUNsSET AGAIN... THERE'RE TWO, Y'SEE?
The eight Jawas carry Ajay out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-storey house (is that the size of a four-storey Jawa house, because that's tiny). They weld a small disk on the side of Ajay which reads, 'Triple jump silver medalist', and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine. The filthy little Jawas scurry like rats up small ladders (like rats up small ladders, or like rats *pause* up small ladders?) and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport.
19. INT. SANDCRAWLER - HOLD AREA. HOLD THE MAYO.
It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler because, like the washer/dryer, the Jawas have neglected to salvage a torch. Ajay switches on a small floodlight on his forehead (can a dome have a forehead? Maybe it should read, foredome?) and stumbles around the scrap heap. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts, a bike, a childrens' slide and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He lets out a pathetic electronic whimper, pulls out a metal cup and starts rattling it on nearby bars as he stumbles off toward what appears to be a door at the end of the chamber.
20. INT. SANDCRAWLER - PRISON AREA. THOUGH IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE HOLD.
Ajay enters a wide room with a four-foot (in width?) ceiling. In the middle of the scrap heap (I thought this was the prison...) sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply mill about. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom.
DEEPIO
Ajay-Detoo! It's you! It's you! How come they dump you in the room with a high ceiling and me in here... Jawas must have fisheye lenses in those light-up eyes.
A battered Deepio scrambles up to Ajay and embraces him.
21. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SANDCRAWLER - SUNsSET. STILL.
The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are (very) slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge.
22. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NEXTDAY. I ASSUME.
Four Imperial stormtroopers prance about in front of the half-buried lifepod that brought Ajay and Deepio to Tatooine. A trooper yells to an officer some distance away.
FIRST TROOPER
Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Can I have a promotion now?
A second trooper picks a small bit of metal out of the sand and gives it to the first trooper.
SECOND TROOPER
Look, sir - droids. S'bit of a funny looking droid though, looks like a ringpull from a drinks can...