The REAL story behind Star Wars...

Article by Adge

Episode IV
A NEW HOPE (Rewritten for the pleasure of OTF's Galactic Senate and the unwashed masses)

From
The Mind of the vaguely sane.
by Us, the OTF Senate.

Revised Fiftieth Draft
March 12th, 2006

SENATE FILMS tm

A short time ago, in a chat room far, far, over there...

A vast sea of stars (is this this the Oscars?) serves as the backdrop for the main title. Bongo drums echo through the rest rooms as a memorable intro crawl slowly sildes into infinity.

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden Cantina, have won their first victory against the evil Jaden's Galactic Empire of DOOM.

During the battle, fighting with paper cups, plactic knives and stale pizza, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, Iain's Vespa of Destruction, an armored scooter with enough power to destroy an entire Intergalactic MacDonald's.

Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Bria races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy...

1. SPACE, it's really big.

The beach fun yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny beat-up old spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space like a Police car late for lunch. It is pursed by a giant, tortilla-chip shaped Imperial Stardestroyer. The audience ducks collectively. Hundreds of deadly laserbolts streak from the Imperial Stardestroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate. Ooopsie.

2. INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - MAIN PASSAGEWAY, JUST OUTSIDE THE DISCO.

An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Ajay-Detoo (AJ-D2) and Q-Deepio (Q-DPO) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered, though not actually with batter. Ajay is a short, claw-armed camera tripod, sporting a shock of brown hair. His face is a mass of computer lights surrounding a radar eye. Deepio, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot of human proportions. She has a gleaming bronze-like metallic surface of an Art Deco design, think Metropolis, but shinier. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way, pleasing small children and merchandising everywhere.

DEEPIO
Did you hear that, what a flamin' racket? They've shut down the main reactor and all the coffee machines! We'll be destroyed for sure, and how will the Captain fly without his daily shot of caffeine?This is madness!

Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door.

DEEPIO
We're doomed, bah, I should have stayed in bed!

The little AJ unit makes a series of electronic sounds that only another robot could understand, most of which sound decidedly rude.

DEEPIO
There'll be no escape for the Princess this time, I hope she has third party on the ship.

Ajay continues making beeping sounds, you can just feel the sarcasm. Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship.

DEEPIO
What's that? Was that the wing mirror?

3. EXT. SPACECRAFT IN SPACE, OOOOH LOOKY AT THE PRETTY EFFECTS.

The Imperial Tortilla-Chip craft has easily overtaken the Rebel Blockade Runner (Maybe they should try sounding less conspicuous. 'Friendly Taxi of the Stars' might work). The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Imperial starship.

4. INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER, BESIDE THE EMERGENCY EXIT.

The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons, surely, they have the upper hand as they pwn the corridor. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome (can you be fearsome in plastic and lycra?) armored, spacesuited stormtroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor- ruining the perfect white paint job Princess Bria splashed out on only three days ago. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laserfire and hurled insults. The deadly bolts ricochet in wild random patterns creating huge explosions and strangely only hitting the good guys. Stormtroopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Laserbolts hit several Rebel soldiers who give out girly screams and stagger through the smoke, holding shattered arms and faces (can you hold a shattered face?). An explosion hits near the robots.

DEEPIO
I should have known better than to trust the brochure...

Ajay counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots.