Welcome to this month's edition of the Blue Report! Why, you might ask, am I writing this? I know I don't look like Brady or Iain Â– thank the Force Â– and the reason why I'm here and they're not is that a few people got lazy and decided we should rotate the introduction between the genres. And then delegate it to me. Bear with me as I battle my way through it...
It's been quite a good month, really; at least, as far as I'm concerned, which is all I'm really concerned about. Even in Ireland, summer has finally started Â– and that despite the fact that it's been dubbed "Land of Winter". What have the Romans ever done for us? At least some people got aqueducts. All we got was a name.
I digress. Amidst exam results, summer jobs, Wookiee-related adventures, days at the beach and nights at the pub, we have in fact managed to cobble together a newsletter for you. We've got the usual stuff: interviews, overviews, underviews Â– wait no, never mind, that was underworld and referred to Hobbie's next destination Â– ah, and the endlessly amusing, re-written A New Hope script. Then there's our monthly comic, but this time, with a difference! This month, it comes to you courtesy of the newest addition to the Blue Report team: Polson! Who is also, by the way, very welcome to the team, and we're all glad to have her aboard. We also have a winner for the Rank-O-Matic, as well as a brand-new victim for the same, so make sure to check that out!
So with that, all that's really left for me to say is Â– sit back, read, and enjoy. If you're Iain, scratch the "sit back" part, I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself. Leave that to me.
Clear skies to you all!
the underworld Corellia
Q here, filling in for the Superfantastic Kayana peep. SheÂ’s off enjoying the wonderful Sun at Risa, I wish her well. So filling in her spot would be, you guessed it, Q, I, the One and Only.
Do to an extremely successful Theme weekend, the OZD decide to continue on with the Project, although Minor Details still need to be worked out, or Phased out *Thinks*. More information will be presented when they arrive to our known time.
Finally, I had the opportunity to catch up with CL6 SG and grab some moment of his time, to fill the heads of our Readers. Also, a very special interview, our OZD Agent of the Month. For this I had to enter Â“The MatrixÂ” and pin down De Iain in order for him to be interviewed.
Hope you lot have fun and enjoy this months interviews, discussion, parties, trivia, and much, much more. Until Next time, this is your Local Q, Signing Out.
Well, hereÂ’s the interview you lot were waiting for. The ST Patron of the Month for May 2006, CL6 SG!. The man who sees no fear, who came and gone, who held the world in the palm of his hands. Congrats SG!!!
1)How does it feel to be ST Patron of the month?
Same as when I'm Lord of the Dance. *does a jig* =) But, seriously, it's always nice to get an award which recognises your effort as part of the community. I love doing what I do around OTF, so an award like this is just a cherry on top.
2)Any idea of why you won it?
Probably because of the work I put in to the Lost weekend, and some other themed ideas for the future. It was a spontaneous decision to hold the weekend after some long discussions by the OZD team about themed weekends, so the work was done pretty much last minute. Also, my propaganda machine against the Senate and the Wizards is working quite effectively. =)
3)Would you like to have won it for a different reason? What reason?
Establishing a network of ninja guinea pigs within the world's governments.
4)For ST Members, who are seeking to win such an award, any tips,
propaganda, or any other sort of briabary facts you can share with them?
(Perhaps trade secrets?)
Iain is always right (or so he believes, and by extension the world must believe)
5)You've received a nice big, and not to mention, shiny award. Anything else
you wish you had won?
A car.... but apparently the only cars you find in OTF are those without wheels and engines and are for sale by some guy called FM. =(
6)Anyone you would like to thank/curse?
The OZD... without them I'd just be some hacker defacing Ten Forward. =)
7)How long of an OTF member have you been? Anything that has been a great
moment for you while being a member of such a wonderful Chat :D?
I've been a member since January 2003. Over that time there have been some great memories, and friendships. A lot of the people are considering my closest friends at OTF are those who I met at the Cork Union last year, so that was a pretty awesome moment.
8)Where do you see yourself in the next 30 seconds, 2 months, 8 years?
Next 30 seconds: Talking to FMiH about how unfortunate it is to have met SG.
Next 2 months: Enjoying the end of my summer holidays, move back to my home city, finishing up at work, and preparing to go back to college.
Next 8 years: Probably living on the moon or something. =)
For this month, the Month of June, our Agent of the Month is, yes, I have had the Rare and great Honor to Interview, you guessed it,
Iain! :) So without any delays, *thinks*, Iain mind!
So now that I have the special privlage and honor of Interviewing Iain....Here are your Questions :p
And now that I have the supreme honour, privilege, and sheer delight of being Iain... I shall answer your questions...! ;-)
1) Name, Rank, Title, and Job Description?
Title: (currently) "Team Trivia Master, Wannabe & Fake SP Receiver"
Job Description: "OTF Server".
2) Who's your favorite ST Character?
Jean-Luc Picard. The man is a legend!
3) The Matrix, I mean OZD, has been under your infleunce for how long?
The question depends on your definition of "under my influence". Let's just say, since the OZD's very formation. And in fact before that. I am Iain. I influenced the true force behind the OZD (Mih: Man in Hat) from before even the OZD existed. And Jelani, his predecessor and boss, too. ;-)
4) What were, was, or any plans you had upon entering the Matrix (OZD for us Readers)?
Overthrow Brady, in a grand mutiny with me at its head. Also, convert the Star Trek genre to a Matrix genre, possibly in parallel with the former goal.
5) If, and I say if, there was a plot to overthrow DE Iain, what advice, pointers, or strategy would you give for a succes in this plan?
... oh, you're not kidding?!
I mean, get Iain on your side. The only person powerful enough to overthrow Iain is in fact Iain himself. Otherwise, you want to go home and rethink your life. Then surrender to Iain.
6) How does it feel to have all the powers in your hand?
Imagine how Neo feels at the very end of the first Matrix film, when he steps out of the phonebox and is looking round at all the people walking past on the street.
Then square the feeling.
Then square that.
That's but a small taster of how it feels to be Iain.
7) What's your Favorite ST Race and/or Planet and why is that?
Very good question! There are advantages to Q, Vulcan, Betazoid, even Android! Let's go with Q. I like the Q. Plus, it's Q interviewing me, so it's the Popular Choice. ;-)
8) Where, for those small percantage of readers who don't know, are you from?
Edinburgh, Scotland, UK, Europe.
9) Is there one person, who you enjoy picking on the most in OTF?
:D I endeavour not to "pick on" anyone.
However, should what you really mean in this question is, "Who do I make impossible things happen to, most", there is only one choice, very clearly! Namely, of course, my lovely Naberrie! ;-) (Who may or may not now be sometimes known as "the Iain Clock" for that reason.)
10) Polgara? What comes to mind with that name?
Seven consecutive angry smileys. And Q on his knees, begging. Then more angry smileys. And then no more Q.
11) Being the Crazed Overlord, has it been to much, are you overworked? Or do you just enjoy it too much?
It's great fun! To quote some guy from some film: "I can take more." ;-)
12) As of Lately, many readers have notice this title of Nabberie Iain's? Care to gives us insight as to what's all about?
:D Well, "Naberrie's Iain" is an easy name to explain: Naberrie, my wonderful (and occasionally even mysteriously upsidedown/backwards!) girlfriend, owns me! Just as I own her. Yes, you read that right. She owns me. And yet I own her. The system works!! ;-) ... now. (We may, or may not, have confused ourselves in the past by thinking in detail about these facts.)
13) What's your Magical Number?
Before Ending the conversation our good friend Iain, made a final Request... Â“Tell Polgara not to look at my answer to Question 10. :KÂ”
The Imperial Stardestroyer comes over the surface of the planet Tatooine, it doesn't cast a shadow, we're in space, remember?
15. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT, LOTSA SAND.
Jundland, or "No Man's Land", not to be confused with Disneyland, or "it's a small world", where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand, despite the fact it's hard to do that outside of a dune-buggy, as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland (can a desert be a wasteland? Is it not already a desert, therefore... deserted?). The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand, and I bet that kicked up a cloud.
How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. Oh, wait, yes I do, it's your fault, dustbin-boy! *sigh* We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life. Though I intend to make it someone else's lot in life once the plan...
Ajay answers with beeping sounds and a lacy parasol pops out of his dome to provide personal shade.
I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen and I have sand in the strangest places.
Ajay continues to respond with beeping sounds and a lazy twirl of the parasol.
What a desolate place this is, reminds me of a wet weeknight in London when England's playing a World cup match. Except for the wet part.
Suddenly Ajay whistles 'fanfare for the common man', makes a sharp right trundle and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert (mmm, dessert) mesas. Deepio stops and yells at him.
Where are you going? Is your GPS playing up again?
A stream of electronic noises and 'Baby one more time' pours forth from the small robot.
Well, I'm not going that way, and, OMG Britney Spears again? This is like that time you sang Y.M.C.A for a month! Anyway, it's much too rocky. This way is much easier.
Ajay counters with a long whistle and the chorus of 'Crazy'.
What makes you think there are settlements over there? Oh, and please stop, I'll be humming that for the rest of the scene!
Ajay continues to make beeping sounds, some resembling the Euro classic band 'No limits'.
Don't get techno with me.
Ajay continues to make beeping sounds. Sheesh, how original.
What mission? 'The' Mission? You want to look for Robert De Niro? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you and your dance classics! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted iPod!
Deepio gives the little robot a Crane kick (wax on, wax off) and starts in the direction of the vast dune sea.
And don't let me catch you following me begging for help or the latest Quicktime update, because you won't get it, as I've switched to Quicktime lite due to qttask issues in my msconfig.
Ajay's reply is a rather rude version of the Apple startup sound. He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas Jar Jar Binks.
No more adventures. I'm not going that way.
Ajay beeps 'The Hills are alive' to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains.
16. EXT. TATOOINE - DUNE SEA. BRING SUN LOUNGERS.
Deepio, hot, tired and clearly lacking an efficient heat sink, struggles up over the ridge of a dune, only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles (desert, duh!). She looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.
That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better, I switched his A to Z for Autoroute 1886.
In a huff of anger and frustration, Deepio knocks the sand from her joints. Her plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards her.
Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! Unless of course it's a carelessly discarded milk bottle, in which case, returns cash for me!
The bronze android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport/milk bottle. Hey, at least she's optimistic.
Over here! Help! Please, help! Got milk?
17. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SUNsSET (lol, I crack me up).
The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist (mists are never foreboding, now fog on the other hand...) and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air (w00t). Ajay moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud clicking noise as he goes (WD40 will cure that). He hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he continues on his way. In the distance, a pebble phone tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small dark figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the narrow path. The unsuspecting robot waddles, duck-like along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow (magnets and computers, bad idea, blue-screen of death imminent). He manages one short electronic squeak before he topples over onto his back. His bright computer lights flicker off, then on, then off again, whilst the disco version of the Star Wars theme plays. Out of the rocks scurry three Jawas, no taller than Ajay, but with hair in all the wrong places. They holster strange and complex weapons as they cautiously approach the robot. They wear grubby cloaks (clearly they have yet to salvage a washer/dryer) and their faces are shrouded so only their glowing eyes can be seen. They hiss and make odd guttural sounds as they heave the heavy robot onto their shoulders and carry him off down the trail. (Dink-dink, dink dink dink dink, dink dink...)
18. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SANDCRAWLER - SUNsSET AGAIN... THERE'RE TWO, Y'SEE?
The eight Jawas carry Ajay out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-storey house (is that the size of a four-storey Jawa house, because that's tiny). They weld a small disk on the side of Ajay which reads, 'Triple jump silver medalist', and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine. The filthy little Jawas scurry like rats up small ladders (like rats up small ladders, or like rats *pause* up small ladders?) and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport.
19. INT. SANDCRAWLER - HOLD AREA. HOLD THE MAYO.
It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler because, like the washer/dryer, the Jawas have neglected to salvage a torch. Ajay switches on a small floodlight on his forehead (can a dome have a forehead? Maybe it should read, foredome?) and stumbles around the scrap heap. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts, a bike, a childrens' slide and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He lets out a pathetic electronic whimper, pulls out a metal cup and starts rattling it on nearby bars as he stumbles off toward what appears to be a door at the end of the chamber.
20. INT. SANDCRAWLER - PRISON AREA. THOUGH IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE HOLD.
Ajay enters a wide room with a four-foot (in width?) ceiling. In the middle of the scrap heap (I thought this was the prison...) sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply mill about. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom.
Ajay-Detoo! It's you! It's you! How come they dump you in the room with a high ceiling and me in here... Jawas must have fisheye lenses in those light-up eyes.
A battered Deepio scrambles up to Ajay and embraces him.
21. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SANDCRAWLER - SUNsSET. STILL.
The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are (very) slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge.
22. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NEXTDAY. I ASSUME.
Four Imperial stormtroopers prance about in front of the half-buried lifepod that brought Ajay and Deepio to Tatooine. A trooper yells to an officer some distance away.
Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction. Can I have a promotion now?
A second trooper picks a small bit of metal out of the sand and gives it to the first trooper.
Look, sir - droids. S'bit of a funny looking droid though, looks like a ringpull from a drinks can...
June's winner of the Rank O'Matic Challenge was CL5 Ayanna with her entry of Chuck Norris's Rubber Band Sidekick for Amanda's rank! Congratulations, Ayanna, and thanks for being our "victim", Amanda!
Moving on, for this month's Rank O'Matic challenge, we have my Loyal Apprentice, Luke M. (CL4) as the contestant!
For those of you who arrived late (tsk, tsk), the goal of the Rank O'Matic is to come up with a suitable rank for the contestant above. It can be any title you deem suitable. The rank that is the funniest and most creative, as deemed by the Blue Report team, will be implemented for a little while with an award going to the winner. So: