The REAL story behind Star Wars... (Part VI)

26. INT. LARS HOMESTEAD - GARAGE AREA - LATE AFTERNOON (SUN ONE) HALF PAST NINE (SUN TWO).

The garage is cluttered and worn, but a friendly peaceful atmosphere permeates the low grey chamber (mind your head, oops, too late). Deepio lowers herself into a large jacuzzi filled with warm oil and several plastic duckies. Near the battered VW Landspeeder little Ajay rests on a large battery with a cord to his face (we hope it's his face, who can tell).

DEEPIO
Thank Windows 98! This oil jacuzzi is going to feel so good. I've got such a bad case of dust contamination in my parts, I can barely move!

Ajay beeps a muffled reply, clearly the cord is plugged into his mouth. Osiris Skywalker seems to be lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged fin of a small two-man shark Spacehopper ship resting in a low hangar off the garage. Finally Osiris's frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the workbench, smashing his ant farm.

OSIRIS
It just isn't fair. Oh, James Darklighter is right. I'm never gonna get out of here! Argh, ants!

DEEPIO
Is there anything I might do to help? Not with the ants, though, you're on your own there, matey!

Osiris glances at the battered robot. A bit of his anger drains and a tiny smile creeps across his face.

OSIRIS
Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock or cause me to win the pan-Galactic lottery! Ouch, where's my ant smasher!

DEEPIO
I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things, nor do I lie to get out of helping, no-sir-rie!. Not on this planet, anyway. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I'm on, aside from a dusty lump of -

OSIRIS
Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from. Mind you, if there's a shopping centre, we're farthest from that, too.

DEEPIO
I see, sir. That does explain the Poncho hanging over there, don't you know they went out with headbands and stripes down the outside of your trousers?

OSIRIS
Uh, you can call me Lord of Everything Wild, Stunning, Inventive and Excellent.

DEEPIO
I see, can I shorten it to L.E.W.S.I.E?

OSIRIS
(beating up ants)
Just Osiris, then.

DEEPIO
Spoilsport! Okay then, I am Q-Deepio, human-cyborg ...relations, and that tin can is my counterpart, Ajay-Detoo.

OSIRIS
Hello.

Ajay beeps in response and waves a small flag bearing a smiley face. Osiris unplugs Ajay and begins to scrape several limpets on the robot's head with a seafood pick. Deepio climbs out of the oil tub, skids halfway across the garage before hitting a wall and begins wiping oil from her bronze body.

OSIRIS
You got a lot of carbon scoring here and shellfish. It looks like you boys have seen a lot of action... underwater.

DEEPIO
With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're in as good condition as we are, what with the Great Rebellion and all.

OSIRIS
You know of the Rebellion against the Empire... or are we talking the rebellion from She-Ra, Princess of power?

DEEPIO
Oh, wrong show, ahem. Anyway, that's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning, Lewsie.

OSIRIS
Have you been in many battles?

DEEPIO
Several, I think, including the charge of the Light Brigade and the battle of Waterloo. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm not much more than an interpreter, and not very good at telling stories *whistles innocently*. Well, not at making them truthful, anyway.

Osiris struggles to remove a small metal fragment from Ajay's neck joint. He uses a axe instead.

OSIRIS
Well, my dustbin-shaped little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. I think it's spare change! Were you on a cruiser or...

The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Osiris tumbling head over heels (scoring a 6.0 from the Mandalore judge). He sits up and sees a twelve-inch, three-dimensional hologram of Bria Organa, the Rebel senator, being projected from the face of little Ajay (but he doesn't know who that really is, because that would give the plot away, so let's just go with "mysterious chick in chiffon"). The image is a rainbow of colours as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage, thanks to bad compression uploads. Osiris' mouth hangs open in awe, this is much better than 8bit animation.

BRIA
Help me, Ma-Jin Kenobi. You're my only hope.

OSIRIS
What's this? Is it a new game?

Ajay looks around and sheepishly beeps an answer for Deepio to translate. Bria continues to repeat the sentence fragment over and over, like a bad rapper.

DEEPIO
What is what?! He asked you a question...
(pointing to Bria)
Who's the "mysterious chick in chiffon"?

Ajay whistles his surprise as he pretends to just notice the hologram, raising a cardboard question mark into the air to continue the bluff. He looks around and sheepishly beeps an answer for Deepio to translate. Bria continues to repeat the sentence fragment over and over, wikka-wikka, wah-wah - word to yo momma!

BRIA
Help me, Ma-Jin Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me, Ma-Jin Kenobi. You're my only hope.

DEEPIO
Oh, he says it's nothing, sir Lewsie. Merely a malfunction. Old data. Pay it no mind. His C:/ drive's full of spyware.

Osiris becomes intrigued by the beautiful girl; he doesn't get out much, you see.

OSIRIS
Who is she? She's beautiful, and... chiffony.

DEEPIO
I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir, she's probably an ad for bagels and I've never seen her on a ship recently (ho-hum).

BRIA
Help me, Ma-Jin Kenobi...

DEEPIO
Although I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some importance, sir - I believe, because she's wearing white and it's a pain to keep clean, so, you know, money and everything. Our captain was attached to...

OSIRIS
Is there more to this recording?

Osiris reaches out for Ajay, but he lets out several frantic squeaks and a rude whistle.

DEEPIO
Behave yourself, Ajay, and what have we said about deleting those language files? You're going to get us in more trouble. It's all right, you can trust him I think. He's our new master, Sir Lewsie.

Ajay whistles and beeps a long message to Deepio.

DEEPIO
Are you cracked in the dome? He says he's the property of Ma-Jin Kenobi, a resident of these parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir, I think he's lost the plot. Our last master was Captain Antilles - no, no more ants, "Antilles", sorry about that, no need to cry - but with what we've been through, this little AJ unit has become a bit eccentric.

OSIRIS
Ma-Jin Kenobi? I wonder if he means old Ben Ma-Jin Kenobi?

DEEPIO
Oh, good grief... erm... I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about?

OSIRIS
Well, I don't know anyone named Ma-Jin, but old Big Ben lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old hermit crab... I mean hermit, hermit sorry, I've got limpets on my mind.

Osiris gazes at the beautiful young princess (except he doesn't know that) for a few moments.

OSIRIS
I wonder who she is? It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play back the whole thing. What if she needs washing powder, white clothes are really hard to keep clean. I should know. I mean, only an idiot would use white for anything serious... like an army, for example.

Ajay beeps something to Deepio.

DEEPIO
He says the remote control receiver has short circuited his iTunes. He suggests that if you remove the "Triple jump silver medalist" disc the Jawas welded on, he might be able to play back the entire recording (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

Osiris looks longingly at the lovely, little rapping princess and hasn't really heard what Deepio has been saying.

OSIRIS
H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small to roll away on me if I take this off! Plus, we have steps and live in a hole! Okay.

Osiris takes a wedged bar and pops the medal off Ajay's side.

OSIRIS
There you go, hmm, I can flog this on E-bay.

The princess immediately disappears in a blue screen of death...

OSIRIS
Well, wait a minute. Where'd she go? Bring her back! Play back the entire message, what critical error?!

Ajay beeps an innocent reply as Deepio grabs a hammer.

DEEPIO
What message? The one you're carrying inside your rusty innards! What do you mean, "file not found, would you care to write a letter"?

A woman's voice calls out from another room.

AUNT BILLY BOB
Osiris? Osiris! Come to dinner! We broke out the suspicious blue milk!

Osiris stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot.

OSIRIS
All right, blue milk! I'll be right there, Aunt Billy Bob.

DEEPIO
I'm sorry, sir Lewsie, but he appears to have picked up a slight flutter. Maybe his motherboard's overheating, we are on a desert planet with two suns.

Osiris tosses Ajay's Triple jump silver medal on the workbench and hurries out of the room.

OSIRIS
Well, see what you can do with him. I'll be right back once I've got milk.

DEEPIO
(to Ajay)
Just you reconsider playing that message for him. I've got this hammer...

Ajay beeps in response.

DEEPIO
No, I don't think he likes you at all.

Ajay beeps.

DEEPIO
No, I don't like you either, and neither do all the wittle kittens. So there!