The REAL story behind Star Wars... (Part VII)

27. INT. LARS HOMESTEAD - DINING AREA. TABLE FOR THREE, SIR?

Osiris's Aunt Billy Bob, a warm, motherly woman, fills a pitcher with blue milky goodness from a refrigerated container in the well-used kitchen. She puts the pitcher on a tray with some bowls of frosties doubling for futuristic food and starts for the dining area. Osiris sits with his Uncle Octavius before a table covered with more steaming bowls of non-descript food as Aunt Billy Bob carries in a bowl of red grain. That's a lot of food for three people. I wonder what the red grain is, sounds crunchy...

OSIRIS
You know, I think that AJ unit we bought might have been stolen.

OCTAVIUS
What makes you think that? Have you been eavesdropping on the Imperial Stormtrooper scanner again?

OSIRIS
Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him, it might just be malware, but he also says he belongs to someone called Ma-Jin Kenobi.

Octavius is greatly alarmed at the mention of this name and spits blue milk across the table, but manages to control himself by slapping his face with a spoon.

OSIRIS
I thought he might have meant old Ben. Do you know what he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Ben... though, two people called Ben in one family is just plain stupid.

Octavius breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger and blue milk bubbles from his left nostril.

OCTAVIUS That old man's just a crazy old wizard, he runs around shouting "You shall not pass!" at Sandpeople. Tomorrow I want you to take that AJ unit into Anchorhead and have its memory flushed down the toilet. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now, I have a receipt.

OSIRIS
But what if this Ma-Jin comes looking for him?

OCTAVIUS
He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father. Though I have just intimated I didn't know him in the first place... drat.

OSIRIS
He knew my father?

OCTAVIUS
I told you to forget it, you should have your memory flushed down the pan, too. Meantime, your only concern is to prepare the new droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge working out those condensers... and burning the new Village People album to CD.

OSIRIS
Yes, sir. I think those new droids are going to work out fine, even if one's bonkers and the other's sarcastic. In fact, I, uh, was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season in this hellhole. And, if these new droids do work out, I want to transmit my application to the Academy this year.

Octavius's face becomes a scowl, although he tries to suppress it with more slaps from the spoon.

OCTAVIUS
You mean the next semester (where are we, college?) before harvest?

OSIRIS
Sure, there're more than enough droids.

OCTAVIUS
Harvest is when I need you the most, who else will drive the tractor. Only one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to hire some more hands - not the body, just the hands. And then you can go to the Academy next year.

Osiris continues to toy with his food (who wouldn't on a diet of frosties and red grain), not looking at his uncle.

OCTAVIUS
You must understand I need you here, Osiris. Besides, off-planet you'll lose the blond streaks in your hair.

OSIRIS
But it's a whole 'nother year, and I've run out of moisturising conditioner!

OCTAVIUS
Look, it's only one more season. I've been stuck here years.

Osiris pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands, knocking over the blue milk.

OSIRIS
Yeah, that's what you said last year when James and Tank-girl left.

AUNT BILLY BOB
Where are you going? Look at the blue milk, it stains, you know!

OSIRIS
It looks like I'm going nowhere (Emo strop) I have to finish cleaning those droids.

Resigned to his fate, Osiris paddles (paddles? I didn't think there was that much milk!) out of the room. Octavius mechanically finishes his dinner, (I think he's using a chainsaw as a knife).

AUNT BILLY BOB
Octavius, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone doo-lally or left. It means so much to him to get away from this sticking pit of despair and factor 100 sunblock.

OCTAVIUS
I'll make it up to him next year. I promise. Maybe I'll buy him a Playstation 4000.

AUNT BILLY BOB
Osiris's just not a farmer, Octavius. He has too much of his father in him.

OCTAVIUS
That's what I'm afraid of more than blue milk.