The REAL story behind Star Wars... (Part V)

23. EXT. TATOOINE - DUNES-ANYONE FOR FLYING A KITE?

The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune, though, what makes it greater than the others...?

24. INT. SANDCRAWLER - COULD DO WITH A LICK OF PAINT.

Deepio and Ajay noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber, which either has poor suspension or a trampoline floor. Ajay appears to be shut off, though he may simply be defragging his C: drive.

DEEPIO
Wake up! Wake up! I've warned you about sleeping on the job!

Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops, causing everyone and -thing to slide into a wall and creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men (no women?). Deepio's fist bangs the head of Ajay whose computer lights pop on as he begins beeping out the theme to Battlestar Galactica (original series). At the far end of the long chamber a (Richard) hatch opens, filling the chamber with blinding white light (also known as sunlight). A dozen or so Jawas conga their way through the odd assortment of robots.

DEEPIO
We're doomed. I never could do the conga.

The Jawa snake starts moving toward them, high-kicking all the way.

DEEPIO
Do you think they'll melt us down? Heck, I hope we don't have to Lambada.

Ajay responds, shaking a pair of maracas.

DEEPIO
Don't shake! Don't shake! Will this never end?

25. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - LARS HOMESTEAD - AFTERNOON ALL.

The Jawas mutter gibberish (the official Jawa language) as they busily line up their battered captives, including Ajay and Deepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler - which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe Acrobat block house. The Jawas scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow and laying out old garden furniture and other junk for their mobile garage sale. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly (do you mean the smell, or smell horribly like in they have bad sinuses?), attracting small insects to the dark areas when their mouths and nostrils should be (so now we're saying they don't have a mouth or nostrils? No wonder they smell horribly). Out of the shadows (Hank Marvin alert!) of a dingy side-building limps Octavius Lars, a large burly man in his mid-fifties who seems to possess a rather blurry outline... as though he doesn't exist. His reddish eyes are sunken in a dust-covered face (so it's dust now, not sand). As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, he is closely followed by his slump-shouldered nephew, Quasimodo Osiris Skywalker. One of the vile little Jawas walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language (gibberish, remember). A voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Osiris goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Billy Bob Korny standing in the main courtyard.

BILLY BOB
Osiris, tell Octavius that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Bocce and gibberish, I can't understand a word these poorly smelling Jawas say!

OSIRIS
It looks like we don't have much of a choice between droids and stuffed toys, but I'll remind him.

Osiris returns to his uncle as they look over the gardening equipment for sale with the Jawa leader.

OCTAVIUS - BLURRING IN AND OUT OF REALITY
No, not that one, it looks like a lampshade...
(addressing Deepio)
You, I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol?

DEEPIO
Protocol, are you kidding, I wouldn't know protocol if it hit me in the... I mean, sure, I can do things the protocol way. In fact, it's my primary function, sir. I am well versed in all the customs of... um... stuff...

OCTAVIUS
I have no need for a protocol droid who knows stuff.

DEEPIO
(quickly)
Of course you haven't, boss - not in an environment such as this... sheesh, I walked right into that one... that's why I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that including breakdancing and the art of...

OCTAVIUS
What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators..

DEEPIO
Vaporators! Sir - My first job was programming binary loadlifters ...very similar to your vaporators. You could say... for example: 01001000011001010110110001101100-

OCTAVIUS
Do you speak Bocce and Gibberish?

DEEPIO
Of course I can, sir. They're like a second language for me...I'm fluent in many forms of Gibberish...

OCTAVIUS
All right, shut up! Good grief, droids these days...
(turning to Jawa)
I'll take this one, do you do part exchange?

DEEPIO
Shut up? Why I oughta-

OCTAVIUS
Osiris, take these two over to the chop shop, will you? I want you to have both of them cleaned up and hidden from stolen property lists before dinner.

OSIRIS
But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power-converters and cruise for laydeez!

OCTAVIUS
You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now come on, get to it, and don't forget to darn my socks!

OSIRIS
All right, come on! And the red one with the gammy motivator, come on. Well, come on, Red, let's go.

As the Jawas start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Ajay lets out a pathetic little beep and starts after his old friend Deepio with two little pincers outstretched (enough to make you cry). He is restrained by a slimy (slimy now, these guys have it bad) Jawa, who zaps him with a taser gun. Octavius is negotiating with the head Jawa in Gibberish (as in shouting really loudly in basic, because that's the same, right?). Osiris and the two robots start off for the chop shop when a plate (could have been a bowl) pops off the head of the red astro-droid's head and it (the head, not the plate) sparks wildly.

OSIRIS
Uncle Octavius...

OCTAVIUS
Yeah?

OSIRIS
This AJ unit has a bad motivator. Look! Dang thing hit me in the butt!

OCTAVIUS
(to the head Jawa)
Hey, what're you trying to push on us? Did you use super glue on something again? I told you last time -
The Jawa goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Ajay has sneaked out of line and is moving up and down trying to attract attention by letting off firecrackers and humming Satisfaction, by the Rolling Stones. He lets out with a low whistle. Deepio taps Osiris on the shoulder.

DEEPIO:
(pointing to Ajay)
Excuse me, sir, but that AJ unit is in prime-ish condition. A real bargain.

OSIRIS
Uncle Octavius... (in an aside to Deepio) don't touch the clothes...

OCTAVIUS
Yeah? What you want now?

OSIRIS
What about that one? It doesn't match the curtains, but... you know... it's got wheels and everything.

OCTAVIUS
(to Jawa)
What about that blue one? We'll take that one.

With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged astro-droid for Ajay.

OSIRIS
Yeah, take it away... no, the red one, dolt!

DEEPIO
Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. He really is in second-class condition. I've worked with him before on Broadway. Here he comes.

Octavius pays off the whining Jawa as Osiris and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead chop shop entry.

OSIRIS
Okay, let's go get the blowtorch.

DEEPIO:
(to Ajay)
Now, don't you forget this! Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity! Did he say blowtorch?