OTF's Blue Publication May 2006
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the stormtroopers search through the ship for troublemakers and chocolate. She is Princess Bria Organa, a member of the Alderaan Senate and the All Galaxy Cheerleading Squad. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching stormtroopers grow louder (what they are crushing, I dunno). One of the troopers spots her.
TROOPER
There she is! Tag, you're it! Set for a stunner!
Bria steps from her hiding place and does a high kick before blasting a trooper with her laser pistol. She starts to run, intending to do a human pyramid, but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers inspect her inert body and note the name tag sewn into the back of her clothes.
TROOPER
Property of Alderaan, if lost, please phone.... Never mind that, she'll be all right. Inform Lord Iain Vader we have a prisoner.
10. INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - SUBHALLWAY. LIFE PODDERY.
Ajay stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod, in front of him is a latch that says 'press for attention'. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped, four-man pod (though, as he's smaller than a man, and there aren't four of him, it's really rather roomy).
DEEPIO
Hey, you pod jacker, you're not permitted in there without a note. It's restricted, though not as restricted as it would be if you were, say, four men. You'll be deactivated for sure...
Ajay beeps something to her.
DEEPIO
Don't call me a throwback to Fritz Lang's Metropolis, you overweight waste paper basket wannabe! Now come out before somebody sees you.
Ajay whistles something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission impossible he is about to perform.
DEEPIO
Secret mission impossible? What plans? Did you say plans or plants? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there, it smells of four men!
Ajay isn't happy with Deepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily on a small blues guitar he produces from a hidden compartment. A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. The ship's pet catalepsy runs past, trailed by several ratfinks. Flames lick at Deepio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Ajay and a short jazz solo, the lanky robot jumps into the lifepod.
DEEPIO
You're going to regret this.
11. INT. IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER. GENERIC MONITORING PLACE.
On the main viewscreen (otherwise known as the big window), the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.
CHIEF PILOT (THOUGH WHY HE'S NOT FLYING IS YOUR GUESS)
There goes another one, ooh, it's like playing Snake on my mobile.
CAPTAIN
Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited. That's rebel engineering for you, why I bet they hit things with hammers and expect them to work.
12. INT. LIFEPOD.
Ajay and Deepio look out at the receding Imperial starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy.
DEEPIO
Urgh, I'm gonna hurl bolts... that's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here, there's just that gaping hole where the driver used to sit. Ajay beeps an assuring response and gets out a harmonica.
DEEPIO
Are you sure that thing is safe?
13. INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - HALLWAY. RESTAURANT LEVEL.
Princess Bria is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored stormtroopers. Her hands are bound packing tape and she is carried piggy-back when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Iain Vader emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord Voldemort stares hard at the frail young senatorial Cheerleader, but she doesn't move as someone quickly duct-tapes her ankles.
BRIA
Lord Iain Vader, I should have known. Only you could be so bald, I mean bold -sorry, it's the hat. The Imperial Senate will not sit for this, in fact, they may have to stand. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...
IAIN VADER
Don't play games with me, Your Highness, unless it's a nice round of tennis. Duh! You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You went directly through a restricted system without passing go and collecting £200. Several transmissions and classic disco hits were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans, and the Ferrero Rocher chocolate they sent you.
BRIA
I don't know what you're talking about, you action figure in the making. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate's pep squad, on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan...
IAIN VADER
You're a part of the Rebel Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away! Um, no, I'm not talking to the Princess here... 'kay?
Bria is piggy-backed away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Vader.
RANDOM COMMANDER GUY
Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out from some source... not me you understand, that would be stupid... it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the senate.
IAIN VADER
I have traced the Rebel spies to her, see look at this flow chart. Now she is my only link to find their super secret base!
RANDOM COMMANDER GUY
She'll die before she tells you anything.
IAIN VADER
Leave that to me. Send a 'help me! help me!' signal and then inform the senate that all aboard were killed by giant space amoeba!
Another Imperial Officer approaches Vader and the Commander. They stop and snap to attention. I'm guessing not Vader and random commander guy.
RANDOM SECOND OFFICER
Lord Vader, the battle station plans and chocolate are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard, especially not four men.
Vader turns to the Commander.
IAIN VADER
She must have hidden the plants- I mean plans- in the escape pod, and I doubt she's left the chocolate here, either, drat! Send a detached detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no freakishly lucky, disparate group of weirdos to stop us this time.
RANDOM COMMANDER GUY
Yes, sir.