Extra! Extra! Anniversary Blue Report!

Article by Daecrist

As I sit here writing this I canÂ’t help but think back to a 13 year old kid who was spending his first summer on this newfangled thing called the Internet that was just starting to break into the mainstream in his area.

The Internet has changed quite a bit in the intervening 9 years, and the Outpost has certainly changed in that time (back when I started it was just known as Ten Forward). Despite all of these changes, the core principles that have kept the Outpost community thriving while other fan sites have gone by the wayside are still there and still holding strong. ItÂ’s become a place where friends, lovers, and family have gathered and made it into their online home.

This past month (and I use month in the loosest sense of the word since the last update here was in June) saw the Outpost celebrating 9 years on the internet. How time flies when youÂ’re having fun! It also saw the official end of summer for many Outpost denizens and a return to the daily grind of school. Iain has also been busy working with superhuman coding powers to streamline some of the older systems such as the armory and promotion system to make them new and shiny again.

ItÂ’s been a wild ~decade at the Outpost, and itÂ’s definitely been a productive ~month. Click around the report and see what your friends have been up to!
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One-Zero Division Update

Article by Kayana

Happy Anniversary everyone!

Over at OZD HQ, Brady, Iain and myself have been busy working on the Yearbook while the rest of the OZD team have been working on upcoming (and undisclosed as of yet!) projects. First off, I'd like to say a special thank you to Brady for the wonderful job he did on the yearbook! Brady led, edited and designed the yearbook and did a fantastic job. Kudos! Go on, take a look for yourself. ;)

On to more OZD news, the OZD team would like to welcome on board CL6 Mezoti and CL4 Aeon as our newest Agents-In-Training! Mezoti and Aeon come with a lot of ENT, Guilds and coding experience respectively and are welcome additions to the OZD team. We look forward to working with them in the near future.

Next up on the OZD's drawingboard is a rehaul of the OZD homepage which is gallantly led by CL6 JD. Once up, OTFers will be able to browse past and present Agents' profiles, read description of past projects and see Brady's pet peanuts. Well, maybe not the last one. As usual, stay tuned to the Updates Board for further updates.

That just about wraps it up for the OZD- see you guys around TF! If you have any questions/comments feel free to email me. Complaints however, go to the Matrix. ;)

CL6 Kayana

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Senate Update: Alive and kicking!

Article by Bria

Hey hey!

So, the time has finally come where we bring you the latest news, and of course gossip, from the Senate chamber. Well, when I say "we", I do of course mean "I", because somebody delegated the task to me while he's off enjoying himself in the mountains. I hope they fall on him. Wait, he's back? Move along, nothing to see here!

July saw a lot of debating and plotting, and very little action; August saw July, and nearly gave up and went home. And Bria gave August and September a miss and went back to relating events that took place in July. Although there isn't much to tell; the Senate mailing list was abuzz with suggestions, comments, and above all threats, but nothing really came of it. July was, mainly, a month of survival - Hobbie survived his encounter with me, I survived my encounter with AJ, AJ survived his encounter with a bush, and the Senate not only survived but reportedly thrived in our absense. Coincidence, I say!

Another thing of note was our Avatar Competition, which was won by the very talented FM! You've probably seen him parading around the CCC with his new avatar... congrats, FM!

And then, of course, there was the anniversary. Somebody even organised a Senate event whereby several of our number were unceremoniously auctioned off. Investigations are still on-going, but current evidence points to the culprit as being one Senator QD, mistress of all things disco, gin and small furry animals. Watch this space for more information, although in all likelihood, none will be forthcoming.

The anniversary also saw several Senators receiving various awards, titles, and cleanup duty slots. I want to offer my congratulations to everyone concerned at this point, especially to Jaden – the janitor's uniform really suits you!

This month – or rather, recent days – have also seen us lose another of our members: AJ, Senator of Onderon and all-around stud, has reportedly disappeared under mysterious circumstances involving a blender, a pair of magnets, and a small hairdryer (travel size). I want to take this opportunity to thank him, on behalf of the Senate, for everything he's done, and to wish him good luck with whatever the future holds for him!

The bad news (I am not implying that AJ disappearing is good news! Shut up!) is that you're all going to be stuck with me for the time being – at least until they get the blender working again.

And with that, I leave you to reflect upon what you have just read, and get back to digging my grave for when various people read this.

Clear skies to you!

Bria Terrik (CL7)
_{Senator of Corellia}

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The Wizard Update

Article by Bryce

Over the past few weeks, the Wizards have been taking a well-earned break. Being the end of summer, many of us are getting ready to go back to school and whatnot. Actually, itÂ’s because weÂ’re all lazy bums. We have been doing some work, though, such as recommending fantasy members for awards at the anniversary. We are soon going to be getting back to work on another project, so keep your eyes and ears open!

As always, feel free to contact the Wizards with comments, suggestions, or questions regarding the Outpost 10F Fantasy genre.

Alivan (CL5)
alivan@outpost10f.com
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ST Patron of the Month

Article by Q (The One!)

I had the rare and most priviliged opportunity to interview one of OTF's favorite patrons. And he was quick to reply; I give you FM, the Man in the Hat, the man of the hour, the one, the only.


1) ST Patron of the Month, what exactly does that mean to you?
Erm, ok this award is like any award i've ever won. It's bestowed upon you becuase your peers feel that you were most worthy of it.

2) Any idea or reason as to why you think you have won this award?
Everyone else had already won it. =)

3) If given the opportunity to win it all over again, would you have done it differently?
I'm not quite sure what you mean with this question. I won it for doing what I do best apparently and that's being myself. And seeing as i'm not about to change myself, i'm not going to.

4) Now that we got the guts out of the way, any advice, tricks, who to bribe, that sort of thing you would be willing to share with us and our readers?
Erm, bribes and tricks in my humble opionion are immoral and deceitful, so i use them to the utmost. All i can really say is, be yourself it's you people want to know not some internet facade.

5) I forgot one part of the guts of questions :), is there anybody who you would like to thank, curse, spit on their grave and so on?
What exactly am I thanking people for? But if its for the non-existant Oscar i've just won. I'd thank Jesus mostly. He rocks.

6) How long have you been an OTF member? Anything that has been a great moment for you while being a member of such a wonderful chat :D?
I've been a member for what, 5 odd years now.
Great moments define us, and I think the far more imprtant moments in my life were defined outside of the chat. Of course the chat is a good palce to unwind and talk about frivilous things but to be honest, I don't really remember any singular great moment in chat. One that does stick out in my memory is when Saddam was captured and i was translating what the arab journalists were chanting during the news conference. That's about it mostly.

7) Where do you see yourself in the next 45 Seconds, 6 days, 3 months, 8 years?
Either dead, or doing something important with my life, i really don't see myself chained to my computer until the end of my days.

8) Being an OLD OTFer, such as myself, how has OTF changed since you first remembered it? Did it get better or worse?
Well, change is a good thing isn't it, thats what most people think, I myself have seen a lot of changes and so have many other folks, but at OTF it's not so much changes as more history repeating itself. Although Iain's ego is a lot bigger than back when he joined. So worse really =)

9) Last and final question, between Iain and Polgara, in a dual, who would win?
Polgara without a shadow of a doubt. Iain is all talk. ;)

There you have it, straight out of his mouth, Iain is nothing but talk. Thank you for you time FM, keep up the great and outstanding work you do for this community. With that, this is your Friendly and Polgara's Q, Signing out.
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SW Patron of the Month

Article by Bria

June's SW Patron of the Month is none other than CL4 Luke! I managed to track Luke down eventually, and convinced* him to answer a few questions.

1. First of all - congratulations on the award! Any thoughts on why you got it?
Thanks! To be honest, I have no idea how I got the award, but I've always tried my hardest at a newcomer at ISA and keeping OTF a friendly environment. Definitely a pleasant surprise and great encouragement for me to continue what I'm doing!

2. You're known to hang around OTF quite a bit... what is it you actually do around here?
I am an OTF addict :( Most of the time I lurk around, and talk to the chatters inside, while keeping an eye out for troublemakers.

3. And you have a cousin who's a Senator, I believe - how do you feel about that? Do any of the bribes benefits ever make their way to you?
Yep! KypD the senator of Hapes! She does bribe me a lot. It's great, having Neeb as a OTFer, it makes you feel a lot more at home. Some people mistake us for each other...I blame Iain. I have always wanted to be a senator, and she did show me the senator's page, not to mention bragged a bit, though in a good way :D

4. She bribes you? Is that connected to this whole "blackmail" business I keep hearing about? *g*
*L* I wish. No, usually I'm the one that's bribing her. The whole "blackmailing" business is just a bit of fun Iain and I started back when I was a newbie. I like to laugh, and OTF is a great place for me to do that....and she just happens to be a perfect target :D

5. Yeah, I've heard people refer to you as "Iain's Apprentice"... what's up with that?
Ah, Iain's apprentice! :D Iain is probably my closet friend in OTF other than my dear cousin, and I've always been a joker, and well...Iain is Iain.

6. I can't argue with that. In OTF terms, what are your ambitions? Is there anything in particular you want to achieve?
I've always wanted to become a senior officer, reach at least a CL6...and perhaps one day, the ISA director.

7. Ooooh, ISA director, really? I take it you like being in the ISA, then?
ISA is a great group to be in, coming from a family with a strong background for security and safety... I've always enjoyed making the chat a safer place to be... and no, it's not just for the armory!

8. Very cool! Okay... lastly, if they decided to publish a book called "A Guide to Luke: 3 Easy Steps", what would be in it? *g*
I get to publish my own book? Ooh... let's see, 3 easy steps... well, #1 would probably be "Loves life, and is always joking around"...#2 would be "Always determinded to make the world a better place for everyone," and number 3 would be "Never, ever give coffee, or even Iain would cower" :(

_{*No Lukes were hurt during the course of this interview. Nor before. Nor after. Honest. Don't look at me like that or I'll hurt you too!}

Bria Terrik (CL7)
_{Senator of Corellia}

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FY Patron of the Month Interview

Article by Bryce

The last winner of the Fantasy Patron of the Month award was Phill (CL5).

1- What kind of contributions did you have to make to the Outpost 10F fantasy sector in order for you to receive this award? How does it feel to be recognized for these contributions?
Well, my job in the Wizards is creating graphics and what-nots that we need. You might have seen my work on "Shoot the White Witch", The Golden Girls chat top, and more recently, the Final Fantasy Days. As for how does it feel? Its always good to be recognized for the work that I do, because I do know that a lot of work that gets done here at the Outpost doesn't get recognized by the general community.

2- Did you expect at all that you might receive this award?
Just like my unexpected promotion back in February, I didn't expect it at all.

3 - How long have you been a member of the Wizards?
I was recruited into the Wizards back in December 2005.

4 - What made you take such an interest in the fantasy sector?
To be completely honest, I'm a Trekkie. Always will be. I joined the Wizards to contribute to the community that has given me so much these last six (Yes, Six) years.

5 - Being the Wizards’ “Graphic Guru”, you make all of the graphics and such for the Wizards. How did you get to be so good with graphics?
Believe it or not, I'm self taught with some professional college training. I'm skilled in using Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator. I started dabbling in graphic arts back in 2002 making anime wallpapers, and as I slowly progressed in my skills, I became interested in web design, and that led to me attending a web design course at a local community college, there I learned a lot and became a better person and artist because of it. If you want to see a portfolio of my art work, check out my website: http://aceman67.cabspace.com

6 - Do you have any Outpost 10F goals left that you have not yet accomplished?
Custom Avatar and HTML would make me the happiest chatter in the world. Always wanted to be in ISA too, but if it is meant to happen, it will, if not, that's OK too.

7 - Do you think fantasy is the best Outpost 10F genre? Why?
Gee... that's a hard one... I can't really say which is best, I've been around OTF for a long time, and I have to say that none are the best, each has its own unique qualities, affiliation members and leadership for each. While we all may be members of different Affiliations, we are all members of the Outpost10F Family. But I will say that the leadership of the Fantasy Affiliation are the best bunch of Wizardly old men I've ever had the privilege to work with.

I would like to thank Phill for letting the Blue Report conduct this interview.

Alivan (CL5)
alivan@outpost10f.com
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OZD's Agent of the Month

Article by Kayana

Our lovely Agent for the month of August is CL8 Brady the man behind the h- er, OZD team! I caught up with Brady on music, fashion, his vision of the future and of course, bananas. Fitting, because I've been thinking about monkeys a lot this month. Digression aside...

Ten Questions

---

1. Name, Rank, Location, Star Sign:
Brady, Commodore/Chief Agent, Cancer

2. Favorite fruit?
Hmmn. Banana. On peanut buttered toast.

3. What exactly do you do in the OZD? In OTF? In general?
In the OZD I'm the guy that hassles people into doing things. I also like to paint the OZD office. At OTF I'm the Star Trek Sector Commander, which means I'm basically in charge of handling administrative issues for about 900 registered ST members. This includes promotions, awards, officer management, sometimes disciplinary action, etc. I also sit on the Executive Council to represent the people in my genre and in that way I'm involved in basically all of the major decision making processes across the site.

4.Favorite ST avatar?
I used to use Nog before I had Special Login, I don't know why. Now I like the young Q or Ayala avatar if I don't use one of my own.

5.Favorite ST episode/character?
I really liked some of the climactic episodes of DS9 at the end of the Dominion War, but as a whole series I really like Voyager and Janeway would probably be up there as one of my favourites. But I also like Dax and Bashir.

6.Best TF moment?
One that sticks out, due to temporary insanity and sleep deprivation on my behalf, is hosting one of the anniversary celebrations. I was ENT SM back then, and basically the whole weekend was delegated to me which was fun. I was awake at ridiculous hours of the morning and in-chat I was doing some unusual things like wearing only I LOVE HENRI stickers and leaping at people from the podium. It was odd at the time.

7.If TF was a song what would it be?
Hahha, the theme to Cheers.

8.MiH-myth or legend?
Err... Legend, of course. =) Man in Hat has been blown up far bigger than I ever could've achieved on my own (as his personal marketing director, not as the brains behind the Hat). So yes, he's a legend now just like Octagon and Vic.

9. Where do see OZD in the near future?
Hmm... I'm not 100% sure. I hope it endures and that there is always a group of dedicated people looking out for our chats, but I'm having trouble conceptualising the direction of our community in general right now so I can't answer that question properly. Maybe I should've done this with a drink in my hand.

10. Any birthday wishes for OTF?
Yes. I hope that the Outpost continues to be a medium of boundless social interaction and a chance for people to learn and practice new things and new skills. But I also wish that we don't become too complacent and happy with the status quo.

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Promotions

To CL6:

Gates (ST) - For her leadership in the Entertainment Department (as Entertainment's Assistant Manager in Training and now 2nd Assistant Manager) primarily, as well as her efforts as Holiday Division leader and in the Welcoming Committee, we are delighted to promote Gates to CL6. Congratulations, Gates - and thank you!

Majin Kaze (SW) - His contributions to Entertainment and Guilds have been outstanding lately. In addition to which he has survived an entire year in the Senate while retaining most of his sanity. Congratulations!

Quark[les] (ST) - Instigator of Giant Clocks and other assorted ... updates ... we have Quarkles! He has been putting the time in in Engineering, as 2nd Assistant Manager, and we are delighted to recognise his efforts. In particular, he has excelled with the Voting Booth, and with promoting the Engineering Department.

Soka (SW) - Her animated gif file mocking Iain's rank adventures during the anniversary made us laugh. Moreover, the hard work and leadership she has displayed in Trivia's Nova division in the past months, combined with her good start as a Senator and as an ISA member and with her tendency to bug Hobbie whenever possible haven't gone unnoticed.

XgermZ (ST) - For his behind-the-scenes hard work in Gaming, and leading of the Gaming rebellion (Iain's participation in this rebellion - and hence the efficacy of the rebellion - yet to be established) we are proud to promote XZ to CL6! As well as his efforts in Gaming, he has also been a very active behind-the-scenes coder for Entertainment, and has really taken to his position leading Coding Ops.

To CL5:

Darth Malum (FY) - For his excellent work assisting the Trivia team in Entertainment. He has also made some fantastic contributions to Guilds as well as being a consistent hard worker within ISA.

Luke ™ (SW) - Quick to adapt to the ISA, showing both motivation and skill to become a valued member of the department, along with a good start in Entertainment. He already found enough material to blackma... convince us to grant him this promotion. Keep your promise to destroy those incriminating pictures up the good work, Luke!

naberrie (SW) - A disclaimer first: rumours of Iain's influence over the promotions committee are largely exaggerated. Naberrie has managed to become one of Trivia's most seen members, hosting and assisting events more and more regularly, despite being constantly harassed by a senior member whose identity shall not be revealed as he is not important enough to be worth mentioning for security reasons. Plus now she can fight back some. =)

To CL4:

1234 is now dave (ST)

Aleka (FY)

BC (FY)

leedham (SW)

Simmonds (ST)

Soldier (ST)

Tupac's ghost (ST)

To CL3:

Will Riker (ST)

ANAKIN121 (SW)

AuZcHiK (SW)

ChosenOne. (SW)

ech1740 (ST)

Fuji (SW)

GT_Coupe (ST)

John D. (SW)

jureth (ST)

Karesh Sadow (SW)

Kiernan (ST)

PadawanBeldaPinik (SW)

T'narg (SW)

wagonmaster (FY)

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Awards

Hi folks,

Thanks to everyone who came out to our awards ceremony. If you missed the event, have a look at the transcript.

This year has been about taking what we have and making it better. We've seen improvements and new ideas for existing projects, scripts and systems. Individual achievements in the areas of system and design development have been replaced by solid teamwork. The Outpost's vision as set out years ago has for the most part been completed. Unless we develop a new vision, future goals will be around solidifying what we have now and promoting these items to the community and the internet as a whole. I have been solely impressed with how well everyone has worked together in light of the fact most of the people who managed the Outpost during its beginnings are no longer active on a daily basis. This demonstrates the values of the community are in fact well absorbed and understood by the members. I thank everyone for their efforts during year 9 and look forward to our 10th anniversary next year.

The winners of the awards are as follows:

Individual Annual Accolades

• Senior Manager of the Year: JJ (CL8)

• Department of the Year: Guilds - JJ, please come forward! I hereby present you with SM of the Year and your department with this year's departmental honours. A team effort towards set goals is always important. Your team has been focused on this all year and you've remained steadfast and focused. Congrats!

• Gene Roddenberry Award: Zildjian (CL7) - Congratulations to our ISA Director, CL7 Zildjian - the Winner of the Gene Roddenberry Award 2006, for his outstanding service!

• George Lucas Award: QD (CL7) - The Star Wars genre would like to recognize QD's work in the Senate and Entertainment this year...Well done QD, you rule!

• J.R.R. Tolkien Award: Ryo Crimson (CL7) - He was a great help as a Wizard, did an exemplary job this year within ISA, organized the Advent Children celebration, and was generally always there to help out when we needed it...So this year's Tolkien award goes out to none other than Ryo!

Select Medals

Platinum

• Crazy Texan (CL10) - CT, you have my old job and I must say you've been fantastic. Your leadership skills have been a perfect fit for the Outpost; I'm lucky to have you as my second ear and eye! Really, great stuff. You and Hong work well together and in the past year have provided a consistent leadership style needed to keep the community's functions operating and of course find ways to improve what we do best.

• Hong (CL9) - Hong's done a great job. She's reliable, caring, and effective. She's one of my ears and one of my eyes.

• Iain (CL8) - Iain's ego is allowed to be a little bloated. This is the guy that rebuilt our armory and has been endlessly tweaking and improving things. As I mentioned earlier, this has been a year of working together to improve what we have. Iain's been central to that.

• JJ (CL8) - JJ, you have put a huge amount of time into our Guilds department and adjusted its focus. It's never easy to adjust a department's vision but you've taken the right approach - by taking small steps. I am looking forward to seeing you continue develop this department in the coming year and am excited to see the community continue to chip in and make it as great as we know it can be.

Gold

• Jon (CL9)
• Brady (CL8)
• Jaden Korr (CL8)
• Amanda Sielu Paris (CL7)
• Andrew James (CL7)
• Bria Terrik (CL7)
• Cinna (CL7)
• Cynara (CL7)
• Daecrist (CL7)
• Eagle (CL7)
• Hobbie (CL7)
• Jadzia (CL7)
• Luc (CL7)
• Micha Bravo (CL7)
• Queen Demon (CL7)
• Ryo Crimson (CL7)
• SG (CL7)
• Suzy Q [Grotesque] (CL7)
• Zildjian (CL7)
• Dmitri (CL6)
• JP (CL6)
• Kayana (CL6)
• Mariner (CL6)
• Matt (CL6)
• Quark (CL6)
• XgermZ (CL6)

Silver

• Babel [The Doctor] (CL8)
• Deanna (CL8)
• Nobbe (CL8)
• Tail-Kinker (CL8)
• Demon Slayer (CL7)
• Dracmus (CL7)
• Kypdurron (CL7)
• Ohm (CL7)
• Osiris (CL7)
• Alex© (CL6)
• Dierna (CL6)
• FM (CL6)
• Gates (CL6)
• JD (CL6)
• Lupus (CL6)
• Majin Kaze (CL6)
• Mezoti (CL6)
• Munro (CL6)
• Raine (CL6)
• Soka (CL6)
• Alivan (CL5)
• Andrew Norris (CL5)
• Ayanna (CL5)
• Danny [Divination] (CL5)
• Darth Malum (CL5)
• Erin (CL5)
• J.KypD (CL5)
• Krillen (CL5)
• Luke™ (CL5)
• Naberrie (CL5)
• Neo Hawkeye (CL5)
• Phill (CL5)
• Polson (CL5)
• Q (CL5)
• RMPObsession (CL5)
• Rasharra (CL5)
• Aleka (CL4)

Bronze

• Henri (CL9)
• Toddy (CL8)
• Camila (CL7)
• Dommy (CL7)
• Sidne (CL7)
• Anth (CL6)
• Goose (CL6)
• Kaela L. Donos (CL6)
• KC (CL6)
• Robin (CL6)
• Beryl (CL5)
• Eb (CL5)
• Harry. (CL5)
• James Q Soul (CL5)
• Jarek (CL5)
• NeverWinter Nights (Cl5)
• Scorger (CL5)
• Sean T. (CL5)
• Shadow Jedi (CL5)
• Sylvius (CL5)
• Amun (CL4)
• Aeon (CL4)
• Amy Summers (CL4)
• Ashee Sykes-Sielu (CL4)
• Chris-Alex Win (CL4)
• Clone Trooper (CL4)
• Da'Moon Sielu (CL4)
• Darkness (CL4)
• dpo (CL4)
• Edoroth (CL4)
• Ice (CL4)
• Jedistargirl2662 (CL4)
• Kady (CL4)
• Kate_1 (CL4)
• Korny [Billy Bob Thornton] (CL4)
• Max Elbert Meier (CL4)
• Nicoll (CL4)
• Padme (CL4)
• Presbyguy (CL4)
• Resource Collector (CL4)
• Seele 01 (CL4)
• Shaun Paradis (CL4)
• Solar (CL4)
• Tars Rouke (CL4)
• The Green Knight (CL4)
• Tia [Green Pixie] (CL4)
• warrior0974 (CL4)
• 9 of 12 (CL3)
• Quinlan Vos (CL3)
• Scifreak (CL3)
• Sloppy (CL3)

Regards,

Andrew

[See Full Article]

Comic: A Sith Lord Gathering...

Article by Polson

[See Full Article]

The REAL story behind Star Wars... (Part V)

23. EXT. TATOOINE - DUNES-ANYONE FOR FLYING A KITE?

The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune, though, what makes it greater than the others...?

24. INT. SANDCRAWLER - COULD DO WITH A LICK OF PAINT.

Deepio and Ajay noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber, which either has poor suspension or a trampoline floor. Ajay appears to be shut off, though he may simply be defragging his C: drive.

DEEPIO
Wake up! Wake up! I've warned you about sleeping on the job!

Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops, causing everyone and -thing to slide into a wall and creating quite a commotion among the mechanical men (no women?). Deepio's fist bangs the head of Ajay whose computer lights pop on as he begins beeping out the theme to Battlestar Galactica (original series). At the far end of the long chamber a (Richard) hatch opens, filling the chamber with blinding white light (also known as sunlight). A dozen or so Jawas conga their way through the odd assortment of robots.

DEEPIO
We're doomed. I never could do the conga.

The Jawa snake starts moving toward them, high-kicking all the way.

DEEPIO
Do you think they'll melt us down? Heck, I hope we don't have to Lambada.

Ajay responds, shaking a pair of maracas.

DEEPIO
Don't shake! Don't shake! Will this never end?

25. EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - LARS HOMESTEAD - AFTERNOON ALL.

The Jawas mutter gibberish (the official Jawa language) as they busily line up their battered captives, including Ajay and Deepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler - which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe Acrobat block house. The Jawas scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow and laying out old garden furniture and other junk for their mobile garage sale. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly (do you mean the smell, or smell horribly like in they have bad sinuses?), attracting small insects to the dark areas when their mouths and nostrils should be (so now we're saying they don't have a mouth or nostrils? No wonder they smell horribly). Out of the shadows (Hank Marvin alert!) of a dingy side-building limps Octavius Lars, a large burly man in his mid-fifties who seems to possess a rather blurry outline... as though he doesn't exist. His reddish eyes are sunken in a dust-covered face (so it's dust now, not sand). As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, he is closely followed by his slump-shouldered nephew, Quasimodo Osiris Skywalker. One of the vile little Jawas walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language (gibberish, remember). A voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Osiris goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Billy Bob Korny standing in the main courtyard.

BILLY BOB
Osiris, tell Octavius that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Bocce and gibberish, I can't understand a word these poorly smelling Jawas say!

OSIRIS
It looks like we don't have much of a choice between droids and stuffed toys, but I'll remind him.

Osiris returns to his uncle as they look over the gardening equipment for sale with the Jawa leader.

OCTAVIUS - BLURRING IN AND OUT OF REALITY
No, not that one, it looks like a lampshade...
(addressing Deepio)
You, I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol?

DEEPIO
Protocol, are you kidding, I wouldn't know protocol if it hit me in the... I mean, sure, I can do things the protocol way. In fact, it's my primary function, sir. I am well versed in all the customs of... um... stuff...

OCTAVIUS
I have no need for a protocol droid who knows stuff.

DEEPIO
(quickly)
Of course you haven't, boss - not in an environment such as this... sheesh, I walked right into that one... that's why I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that including breakdancing and the art of...

OCTAVIUS
What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators..

DEEPIO
Vaporators! Sir - My first job was programming binary loadlifters ...very similar to your vaporators. You could say... for example: 01001000011001010110110001101100-

OCTAVIUS
Do you speak Bocce and Gibberish?

DEEPIO
Of course I can, sir. They're like a second language for me...I'm fluent in many forms of Gibberish...

OCTAVIUS
All right, shut up! Good grief, droids these days...
(turning to Jawa)
I'll take this one, do you do part exchange?

DEEPIO
Shut up? Why I oughta-

OCTAVIUS
Osiris, take these two over to the chop shop, will you? I want you to have both of them cleaned up and hidden from stolen property lists before dinner.

OSIRIS
But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power-converters and cruise for laydeez!

OCTAVIUS
You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now come on, get to it, and don't forget to darn my socks!

OSIRIS
All right, come on! And the red one with the gammy motivator, come on. Well, come on, Red, let's go.

As the Jawas start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Ajay lets out a pathetic little beep and starts after his old friend Deepio with two little pincers outstretched (enough to make you cry). He is restrained by a slimy (slimy now, these guys have it bad) Jawa, who zaps him with a taser gun. Octavius is negotiating with the head Jawa in Gibberish (as in shouting really loudly in basic, because that's the same, right?). Osiris and the two robots start off for the chop shop when a plate (could have been a bowl) pops off the head of the red astro-droid's head and it (the head, not the plate) sparks wildly.

OSIRIS
Uncle Octavius...

OCTAVIUS
Yeah?

OSIRIS
This AJ unit has a bad motivator. Look! Dang thing hit me in the butt!

OCTAVIUS
(to the head Jawa)
Hey, what're you trying to push on us? Did you use super glue on something again? I told you last time -
The Jawa goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Ajay has sneaked out of line and is moving up and down trying to attract attention by letting off firecrackers and humming Satisfaction, by the Rolling Stones. He lets out with a low whistle. Deepio taps Osiris on the shoulder.

DEEPIO:
(pointing to Ajay)
Excuse me, sir, but that AJ unit is in prime-ish condition. A real bargain.

OSIRIS
Uncle Octavius... (in an aside to Deepio) don't touch the clothes...

OCTAVIUS
Yeah? What you want now?

OSIRIS
What about that one? It doesn't match the curtains, but... you know... it's got wheels and everything.

OCTAVIUS
(to Jawa)
What about that blue one? We'll take that one.

With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged astro-droid for Ajay.

OSIRIS
Yeah, take it away... no, the red one, dolt!

DEEPIO
Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. He really is in second-class condition. I've worked with him before on Broadway. Here he comes.

Octavius pays off the whining Jawa as Osiris and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead chop shop entry.

OSIRIS
Okay, let's go get the blowtorch.

DEEPIO:
(to Ajay)
Now, don't you forget this! Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity! Did he say blowtorch?

[See Full Article]

The Rank O'Matic

Article by Iain

Hi everyone!

It's my pleasure to be able to announce that the winner of the Rank-O-Matic competition of June 2006 is QD (CL7) - with her rank (nominated as a winner, I shall point out, not by me; my ego is already great enough after Naberrie's influence... dot dot dot... :K ), of: 'I shall call him... Mini-Iain!' for (Apprentice) Luke!

Congratulations, QD!! Here is your award image, very kindly put together by Aeon (CL4)!

Additionally, we have a retroactively created award too, for the winner of the previous (May 2006) Rank-O-Matic competition! This was also put together by Aeon, and goes to our previous winner: Ayanna (CL5) for her rank of Chuck Norris's Rubberband Sidekick for our own Amanda Sielu Paris (CL7)! Congratulations again, Ayanna!

But, out with the old... and in with the new! Our next victim kind volunteer is our own Vice Commander: Crazy Texan (CL10)! ... it has been brought to my attention that CT is hardly young. And, in fact is frequently called old. So be it...

Here are some typical-ish CT posts to help "inspire" anyone who has been living in a box for the past 10 years, and so is unfamiliar with the Jedi-Fu-Master, that is CT!

What are you waiting for? (If it's Iain to sing the Little Teapot Song, with Naberrie dancing to it... it's been done already. You missed this once-in-a-chattime event? So be it! )

Submit a Special Rank for CT ... click me!

As usual, the rank that is the funniest and most creative - as deemed by the Blue Report team - will be implemented for a little while, with an award going to the winner. Go, go, go, go, go! (That's more "go"s than there were dots in my dotty handles...)

Iain (CL8)
Oranje-and-blue Colour-Coordinator of Naberrie

[See Full Article]