OTF's Blue Publication December 2008
91. INT. DEATH STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM - CUCUMBER SANDWICH BAR OPEN
An Imperial Officer stands before Governor Texan and the evil Dark Lord Iain Vader. In one shaking hand he clutches the short straw and a Garibaldi biscuit.
TEXAN Yes, oh, someone brew a new pot please, this last one went cold.
OFFICER SHORT STRAW Our scout ships have reached Dantooiooine. They found the remains of a Rebel base and a small branch of Starbuck's, but they estimate that it has been deserted for some time, not sure about the base though. They are now conducting an extensive search of the surrounding systems for any other overly ridiculous coffee houses.
TEXAN Good, good. Those blasted shops know nothing of the fine art of tea and bicsuits... or small cake and sandwiches. I will stamp them all out! *pause* I mean... she lied! She lied to us! What a liar, her parents should be ashamed! Who are her parents again?
VADER I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion, though that implies we should knock her out... which would mean she can't tell us anything... I should shut up now.
TEXAN Terminate her...immediately! And send for eclairs! I want eclairs and proper sugar cubes!
92. EXT. HYPERACTIVESPACE.
The pirateship is just coming out of hyperspace; a strange surreal light show surrounds the ship, someone left the bathroom light on again.
93. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT.
HOBBIE Stand by, Kyppy, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines and don't just slam your foot on the brakes again, I have a 1000 piece jigsaw on the go and if it slides off the table so help me I'll shave you a reverse mohawk.
Hobbie pulls back on a control lever marked 'check your blindspot before exiting hyperspace'. Outside the cockpit window stars begin streaking past, seem to decrease in speed, then stop. Hobbie grins, pleased that his jigsaw is safe for another trip. Suddenly the starship begins to shudder and violently shake about. Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship. From down the hall comes the sound of clattering as the blue bits of the sky, always the most difficult part of the picture, tumble to the floor.
HOBBIE What the...that took me all night and I had to do one piece at a time! We've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts, did you type the wrong destination into the sat nav again? I knew we shouldn't have bought from Galactic Ebay.
The Wookiee flips off several controls and seems very cool in the emergency thanks in part to holding the key to the only workable escape pod. Osiris makes his way into the bouncing cockpit, smacking his head on the doorframe as the dropping ship launches him two feet into the air.
OSIRIS Ow! I should have left the helmet on. What's going on? Aside from my need for stitches?
HOBBIE Our position is correct, except...no Alderaanduran!
OSIRIS What do you mean? Where is it? Did you enter the correct destination into the sat nav?
HOBBIE Of course I did... at least I'm sure Kyppy... look, shut up okay. I'm trying to tell you something, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away, which is a large leap considering I just said we were flying into a meteor shower.
OSIRIS What? How? Who? Where? How many? What's the first word that comes into your head when I say 'Celine Dion'?
Ma-jin moves into the cockpit behind Osiris as the ship begins to settle down. Unlike Osiris, he wasn't about to Riverdance his way through the juddering vessel.
MA-JIN Destroyed...by the Empire! *melodramatic pause* I guess. Unless you entered the wrong destination in the-
HOBBIE Stop with the freakin' sat nav! Look, the entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole planet, so why are we saying the place was blown away... are we nuts? For example, it'd take a thousand ships with more fire power than I've...
A signal starts flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm starts humming, it's not the sat nav.
HOBBIE There's another ship coming in. See, it's not just me who can't program from a drop down menu.
OSIRIS Maybe they know what happened, shall I wave at them out of the window?
MA-JIN It's an Imperial fighter, I can hear it screaming in space.
KypDbacca barks in concern and rummages for the escape pod key as unobtrusively as possible. A huge explosion bursts outside the cockpit window, shaking the ship violently and sending the edge pieces of the jigsaw onto the floor. A tiny, finned Imperial TIE fighter races past the cockpit window with a sound like cats on a blackboard. A bumper sticker on the back reads 'my other fighter is a Star Destroyer'.
OSIRIS It followed us! Darn tailgaters.
MA-JIN No. It's a short range fighter. Look how tiny and wee it is.
HOBBIE There aren't any bases around here. Where did it come from? Kyppy, did you forget to switch off the tractor beam?