The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XVIII

Article by Queen of the Universe

70. EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY BROS - STREET - ALLEYWAY - USED SPEEDER LOT- NEAR THE BUS STOP - JUST PAST MACDONALDS

Ma-jin and Osiris are standing in a sleazy used-speeder lot, talking with a tall, grotesque, insect-like used-speeder dealer who will (at random momets) turn into a Jawa... no, seriously, which is why some of you seeing this might go 'huh' about the first description. Strange exotic bodies and spindly-legged beasts (OMG that's clock spider! Google it!) pass by as the insect/Jawa metamorph concludes the sale by giving Osiris some chocolate coins.

OSIRIS
He says it's the best he can do. Since the Windows Speeder-XP came out, they're just not in demand. I hope they don't all melt in my pocket, I knew I should have packed my mini-fridge.

MA-JIN
It will be enough. Do you have a big choccy Euro? No, not the silver ones, gimme a proper choccy coloured one.

Ma-jin and Osiris leave the speeder lot and walk down the dusty alleyway past a small robot herding a bunch of anteater-like creatures which, for wont of an argument, may very well be anteaters... dyed blue... or wearing tin hats, who knows? Osiris turns and gives one last forlorn look at his faithful speeder as he rounds a corner, aw, bless. Cheer up, Emo kid, you'll get another date one day. A darkly clad creature moves out of the shadows as they pass and watches them as they disappear down another alley, so, not suspicious at all. Honestly, if you're going to be shady, or a spy, dont wear black. How about a nice green velvet coat? Or a lovely straw hat?

MA-JIN
If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well to get some travel sickness pills. Or one of those bracelet things. Is there a pharmacy near here?

71. INT. DOCKING BAY 94 - DAY-OH.

JJ the Hutt and a half-dozen grisly alien pirates and purple creatures stand in the middle of the... hold it right there, sweet Lord of the Rings, we are so not doing the enhanced version. Get thee gone, CGI Hutt. Old school, FTW!

*coughs* and now back to our schedualed broadcast.

72. EXT. DOCKING PORT ENTRY - ALLEYWAY- AFTERNOON-OH.

KypDBacca waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94, small white wires trail into his fur, the sound of Hanson's Mmm-bop can just be heard from some hidden iPod. Majin, Osiris, and the robots- suddenly not in a hidey-hole- make their way up the street with complete conspicuousness. KypDBacca jabbers (a different Hutt) and signals for them to hurry with a pair of air-traffic control batons. The darkly clad not-at-all-sinister creature has followed them from the speeder lot- if I had to describe him here i'd say a guy in sunglasses has just done a faceplant into a papier mache trumpet. He stops in a nearby doorway and speaks into a small transmitter, also neatly smacking himself in the nose (no, seriously, he does. Go check!). I think he says wiggy-wig-wig, I could be wrong.

73. INT. MOS EISLEY BROS SPACEPORT - (SITTING ON THE) DOCKING BAY 94

KypDBacca leads the group into a giant dirt pit (Dirt pit? Giant? My space port this is!) that is Docking Bay 94, though surely then it should be docking pit 94? Resting in the middle of the huge hole is a large, round- like a circle in a sprial, like a wheel within a wheel- beat-up, pieced-together hunk of junk that could only loosely be called a starship, or Spaceball One.

OSIRIS
What a piece of junk. Is that a shopping cart on the top?

The tall figure of Hobbie Solo comes down the boarding ramp, not walking mind you, he likes to slide.

HOBBIE
She'll make point five beyond the speed of light *pauses, squints, nods to himself* yeah, that was what it said in the manual. Erm, she may not look like much more than a flying pan (hah! pun, do you see what he did there?) but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special modifications myself. Why, if you'll look here *points the the hull* behold, flame stickers!

Osiris scratches his head, dislodging a baby anteater. It's obvious he isn't sure about all this. KypDBacca grapevines up the ramp and urges the others to follow with a wave of a baton and a friendly head-lock.

HOBBIE
We're a little rushed, I only have five minutes left on the docking meter. So if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of here before we get clamped.

The group rushes up the gang plank, passing a grinning Hobbie Solo.