The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XVII

66. INT. MOS EISLEY BROS - CANTINA/NIGHT CLUB/CREAM TEA ROOM.
As Hobbie is about to leave, Goose-o, a slimy (slimy? my alien this is!) green-faced alien with a short trunk-nose - containing all his personal belongings and a small kitten - pokes a gun in his side. The creature speaks in a foreign tongue, translated into English subtitles in a bubble over his head. Handy.

GOOSE-O
Going somewhere, Solo?

HOBBIE
Yes, Goose-o. As a matter of fact, heading toward the exit of a building usually means you're going somewhere. If I was going over there, I would be going to the little smugglers' room, but as it happens I was just going to see your boss. Tell JJ that I've got the money.

Hobbie sits down without looking, planting his rear on a plate containing left-over donuts. The alien (clearly not worthy of being addressed by his name) sits across from him holding the gun on him (though aiming it might be more threatening that pressing it against Hobbie's left ear).

GOOSE-O - WORDS TRANSLATED IN THE EVER-PRESENT SPEECH BUBBLE
It's too late, see, the Jawa's big hand on my watch is past second sun midday. You should have paid when you had the chance. JJ's put a price on your head so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. Heck, you can see the price from space, it's that large. I found you first thanks to my amazing, recently-purchased lucky mynock's lip. Why, with this I'll be the luckiest hunter in the galaxy, the vendor promised.

HOBBIE
Yeah, um, sure... *reaches out to prod the translation bubble* Is this thing working right? Anyway, this time I got the money.

GOOSE-O
If you give it to me, I might forget I found you *mutters* because this charm was rather expensive, I had to break into my Bantha bank.

HOBBIE
I don't have it with me, these trousers aren't big enough. Tell JJ...

GOOSE-O
JJ's through with you. JJ has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial Tortilla chip ship.

HOBBIE
Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice? I lost my best plates that day, too!

Hobbie Solo slowly reaches for his gun under the table, he really should learn to keep it in the holster, it makes it easier to find in a hurry.

GOOSE-O
You can tell that to JJ. She may only take your ship, but, you know how she likes to collect things... hats for instance.

HOBBIE
Over my dead body.

GOOSE-O That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time, not as much as the end of the writer's strike, but it'll do.

HOBBIE
Yes, I'll bet you have.

Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of light (ta-da! Now that's magic David Copperfield would envy). Hobbie pulls his smoking gun from beneath the table as the other patrons look on in bemused amazement, followed by an appreciative round of applause. Hobbie gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping Hagrid some coins as he leaves. There's a jam donut stuck to his behind.

HOBBIE
Sorry about the mess.

The donut falls off.

67. EXT. SPACE.

Several Bow-TIE fighters approach the Vespa of destruction. 'Citin' innit?

68. INT. VESPA OF DESRUCTION - CONTROL ROOM.

IAIN VADER
Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable, and annoying. She keeps thinking about chicken salad. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her... maybe twenty minutes?

An Imperial Officer interrupts the meeting with a tray of tea and a half opened pack of Tesco value Garibaldi biscuits.

IMPERIAL OFFICER TEABOY
The final check-out is complete, that'll be £4.40, milk is extra. Oh, and that guy driving says all systems are operational. What course shall we set?

MOFF TEXAN- IGNORING TEABOY BUT TAKING A BISCUIT TO DUNK IN HIS DRINK
Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion *cackle*.

VADER
What do you mean? *Takes two sugars and pays for the milk*

TEXAN
I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station.
(to teaboy)
Set your course for Princess Bria's home planet of Alderaanduran. Don't you have any fondant fancies? I like the pink ones.

TEABOY
With pleasure, and no, only Eclairs.

69. EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY BROS - STREET - STILL.

Four heavily-armed (as opposed to heavy, four-armed) stormtroopers move menacingly along a narrow slum (slummy? My home this is!) alleyway crowded with darkly clad creatures (so no stereotypes there) hawking exotic goods in the dingy little stalls (it's called lighting, people, and buy some cleaning products!). Men, monsters and robots crouch in the waste-filled doorways, whispering and hiding from the hot winds (They should stop wearing those dark colours then. White in summer. Sheese, you'd think they'd figure it out).

DEEPIO
Lock the door, Ajay, there's a hot draught.

One of the troopers checks a tightly locked door by prodding it with a stick and moves on down the alleyway. The door slides open a crack and Deepio peeks out. Ajay is barely visible in the background, writing his name on the wall with red biro.

TROOPER
All right, dudes, check that side of the street. Woah, it's secure alright. Move on to the next door like, now, fer-sure.

The door opens, Deepio moves into the doorway.

DEEPIO
I would much rather have gone with Master Osiris than stay here with you. I don't know what all the trouble is about, but I'm sure it must be your fault, you... you tin jinx you.

Ajay makes beeping sounds and scribbles on Deepio's foot with the biro.

DEEPIO
You watch your language! And get me some stain-away!