The REAL story behind Star Wars... part X

38. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS OF VIRGINIA - DAY.

Osiris carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the canyon with his Superdoopergreenblinkylightnightvisiongoggles. He spots the two riderless elephantsBanthas. Deepio struggles up behind the young adventurer, wishing she had better knees.

OSIRIS
There are two Banthaphants down there but I don't see any...wait a second, they're Sandpeople all right. I can see one of them now (d'uh, Banthas and sandpeople together, who would have guessed....). I think he's building the Taj Mahal, he has a pink bucket and spade.

Osiris watches the distant Tusken Raider through his Superdoopergreenblinkylightnightvisiongoggles. Suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view (woah, extreme closeup!). Before Osiris or Deepio can react, a large, gruesome (ah, maybe he's having a bad tusk day) Tusken Raider looms over them. Deepio is startled and runsbacks away, right off the side of the cliff (knees I tell you, knees!). She can be heard for several moments as she clangs, bangs, curses and rattles down the side of the mountain. The towering creature brings down his curved, double-pointed gaderffii (okay, spelling police- if gaffi? Grafitti? Goofy? Yeah, Goofy stick) - the dreaded axe blade that has struck terror in the heart of the local settlers. But Osiris manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which is smashed to pieces (cheap import!). The terrified farm boy Clark Kent scrambles backward until he is forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Tomb Raider stands over him with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh.

Yo-ho-ho, a raider's life for me!

39. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - FLOOR - DAY. SECONDS OUT-ROUND TWO.

Ajay forces himself into the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks as the vicious Sandcastlepeople walk past carrying the inert Osiris Skywalker, who is dropped in a heap before the speeder (he fought like a girl). The Sandcastlepeople ransack the speeder, throwing parts and supplies in all directions when really, they could just have driven it away and sold it for cash. Suddenly they stop - hammer time. Then everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard echoing throughout the canyon (it's a Celine Dion song) which sends the Sandcastlepeople fleeing in terror. Ajay moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound (slight swishing? What happened to the moan?) that frightened off the Sandcastlepeople grows even closer, until a shabby old desert-rat of a man appears and leans over Osiris. His ancient leathery face, cracked and weathered by exotic climates is set off by dark, penetrating eyes and a scraggly white beard, all of which can be cured with a tub of Olay and a comb. Ben Kenobi squints (sunglasses folks, will they ever learn...) his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. Ajay makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him.

BEN
Hello there, dustbin-shaped acquisition! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid, I'm just a crazy old hermit.

Ajay waddles over to where Osiris lies crumpled in a heap and begins to whistle and beep his concern whilst kicking him with his middle foot and stealing his library card. Ben puts his hand on Osiris's forehead with a thwap and he begins to come around.

BEN
Don't worry, he'll be all right, I didn't hit him that hard.

OSIRIS
What happened? Why does my face hurt? Oh no, my library card!

BEN
Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still in one piece. Those goofy sticks are dangerous.

OSIRIS
Ben? Ben-crazy-old-hermit-possibly-Ma-Jin-Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you and your unkempt beard!

BEN
The Jundland wastes are not to be travelled lightly, next time, bring a shovel and a backpack. Tell me young Osiris, whose name I inexplicably know, what brings you out this far?

OSIRIS
Oh, my speeder... I mean this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master...I've never seen such devotion in a droid before, which is a bit creepy if you think about it... there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of a Ma-Jin Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about? Do you know where I can cancel my library subscription?

Ben ponders this for a moment, scratching his scruffy beard. Dandruff floats to the ground.

BEN

Ma-Jin Kenobi...Ma-Jin... Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time... a long time, and which we never really have explained to us despite three prequels. Too bad we were following the adventures of Emokin Skywalker and the traders from hell.

OSIRIS
I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.

BEN
Oh, he's not dead, not... not yet. Though he does need hair conditioner.

OSIRIS
You know him! -coincidentally named crazy old hermit?

BEN
Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Ma-Jin since oh, before you were born, back in the days of flared cloaks and cloned sheeps.
OSIRIS

Then the droid does belong to you.
BEN
Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. Very interesting... and convenient how I'm not mentioning seeing this droid throughout my younger days (mutter).

He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs.

BEN MA-JIN
I think we better get indoors. The Sandcastlepeople are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater numbers. It's lucky how doors repel these deadly creatures, isn't it. Yes, a good plank of wood prevents all incursions by elephants.

Osiris sits up and rubs his head. Ajay lets out a pathetic beep and whistles "Dust in the wind", causing Osiris to remember something. He looks around.

OSIRIS
Deepio!