Agony at OTF: Episode One

Welcome to the first ever edition of Violets Are Blue, the OTF agony aunt column. My name's Violet. I put "Auntie" in front of my name so that people feel they can tell me anything.

This past month has seen the infamous Valentine's Day, when people all over the world enter a competition to see who can make me throw up first. I've had loads of letters, so let's get answering some dilemmas, shall we?

Dear Auntie Violet, My girlfriend is really lovely and we have a great relationship. The only thing is, she's a kleptomaniac and she keeps stealing my wallpaper. What should I do?
- In Love

Dear In Love,
Redecorate. Get her to help you in obtaining the necessary materials at your local hardware store.

Dear Auntie Violet, I've liked this guy for ages, he's a policeman and on Valentine's Day he gave me a parking ticket, I've kept it and hung it on my wall. He's called me about it three times. My friends think it means that he likes me back, do you agree or am I reading too much into this?
- Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,
Pay the fine and see if he keeps calling you after that.

Dear Auntie Violet,
I've been putting on so much weight lately and it has really messed up my figure. I've tried everything from Pilates to weight loss pills, nothing works. My dietician said that eating fast food stops these things from working, and I should exercise more, but it's too much effort. None of my clothes fit anymore! Any advice?
- Slightly Obese.

Dear Slightly Obese,
Buy new clothes. Walking – or sitting – around naked isn't going to make you any friends when you look like that.

And that's that for this month. If you have a burning question and you need some advice, drop me a line! Remember: Real Help for Real Problems.

All the best,
Violent Violet
_{OTF's Aunt of Agony
auntie.violet@gmail.com.}