The REAL story behind Star Wars... part IX

35 EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK MESA - DUNE SEA - COASTLINE - DAY... *counts* THAT'S A LOT OF PLACES TO BE AT ONCE...

From high on a rock mesa (did Jar-Jar just appear?), the tiny Landspeeder can be seen gliding across the desert floor like Jabba on ice. Suddenly in the foreground two weather-beaten Sandpeople shrouded in their grimy (does no one on Tattooine own a washing machine?) desert cloaks peer over the edge of the rock mesa Jar-Jar. One of the marginally human (marginally... are we talking one human leg and three tiny Yoda toes?) creatures raises a long ominous laser rifle and points it at the speeder but the second creature grabs the gun before it can be fired. This is why the Sandpeople are no use at Doom. The Sandpeople, or Tusken Raiders as they're sometimes called, speak in a coarse barbaric language known as 'couple of stones in a tin can' as they get into an animated argument. The second Tomb Tusken Raider seems to get in the final word and the nomads scurry over the rocky terrain.

36. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK MESA - CANYON. (WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUNE SEA AND COASTLINE PART?)

The Tusken Raider approaches two large Banthas standing tied to a rock, though they could probably walk off with the rock if they could move faster than a speeding Gonk droid. The monstrous, bear-like creatures are as large as elephants, (mostly because they are elephants), with huge red eyes, tremendous looped horns, and long, furry, dinosaur-like tails (did dinosaurs have long furry tails?). The Tusken Raiders mount saddles strapped to the huge creatures' shaggy backs and ride off incredibly slowly down the rugged bluff. A dead Jawa overtakes them at speed.

37. EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - FLOOR. I THINK WE FELL OFF THE MESA.

The speeder is double parked on the floor of a massive canyon. Osiris, with his long laser rifle slung over his shoulder, stands before little Ajay.

OSIRIS
Hey, whoa, w00t! Just where do you think you're going?

The little droid whistles the theme from Shaft, as Deepio poses like Elvis behind the little runaway.

DEEPIO
Master Lewsie here is your rightful owner. We'll have no more of this Ma-jin Kenobi gibberish...and don't talk to me about your mission, either, you made me miss the second chance repeat of Lost. You're fortunate he doesn't blast you into a million pieces right here.

OSIRIS
Well, come on. It's getting late by one of the suns. I only hope we can get back before Uncle Octavius really blows up. (It's an intestinal problem).

DEEPIO
If you don't mind my saying so, sir, I think you should deactivate the little fugitive until you've gotten him back to your workshop, and then, I don't know, we could spray paint him a funny colour or something... maybe even-

OSIRIS
No, he's not going to try anything.

Deepio rolls her eyes in one hand.

DEEPIO
Yeah, fer sure, dude.

Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles, screams and MC Hammer jivin'.

OSIRIS
What's wrong with him now? Oi! Do the Timewarp!

DEEPIO
Oh my...sir, he says there are several creatures approaching from the south-east at a pace we could easily outwalk. Of course, we could just get in the incredibly fast speeder, but no, I'll bet you want to put our lives at risk by having a good gawp.

Osiris swings his rifle into position and looks to the south.

OSIRIS
Sandpeople! Or worse! (Yeah, because there's worse stuff out there... vicious sand castle builders for instance). Come on, let's have a look. Come on.

DEEPIO
Oh for crying out loud...