Here we go again!

Article by Bria

Hello once again, and welcome to the Blue Report. I've already run out of ideas of what to type; this promises to be fun.

The main event this month was, of course, CT's resignation. We might have a proper article on the matter next month. I do want to take this opportunity to thank CT for all the work he's done for us all here at OTF over the years. You're a legend, Ceet!

Due to some circumstances which I'm not entirely clear on myself, we had no awards last month, so once again, there are no interviews. Well, no award-related interviews, at least. Sorry.

We're also welcoming a new addition to the Blue Report team. Violent Violet, the aunt, mother, and other things related to agony, is joining us with her monthly column, where she will be dishing out advice to various OTF residents in dire need of help. If you have a problem and you need advice, send her an email. Let's see how long she lasts around here.

Apart from that, there's the usual list to your left, if you're wondering what's in this issue. It's a slightly more random issue than usual, but after all, we couldn't leave you hanging with half an issue again just because there were no awards, could we?

Read on and enjoy!

Bria Terrik

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One Zero Division Update

Article by Kayana

February has been a slow month for the OZD probably reflecting what a yukky month February generally is. There are a few projects in the works but I think I will save them for when they are ready. Instead, I'd like to show you my two nominations for cutest juniors in OTF right here .
Can we all say one big giant awwww?* :)

And as always, give your favorite Crazy Texan a hug on his special day!

CL6 Kayana

Thanks to Malum and Scar for letting me chatsave them!

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The Senate Update: Changes in Command!

Article by Bria

February has been and gone. Other things have been and gone. And now here we are, in what is almost the middle of March, and I don't know what to say. There are, really, only so many ways to say "Nothing much happened". Unfortunately, I've run out of all the positive ones.

Well, Jaden has left us to pursue other things. Personally, I suspect that "other things" may in this case be CT – we all know what Jaden gets like, and without the restriction of inferior rank, who knows what she'll do to the poor man. Ah well.

With Jaden gone, we're left with Hobbie in charge, meaning that if you expect nothing of value from the Senate from now on, you're expecting too much. But no, joking aside, I'm sure he'll do a great job as Sector Commander (and Supreme Chancellor, but luckily, those are the same initials, so no danger of tagline crowing there). Good luck, Ray – you're gonna need it.

Apart from people leaving, once more, there's nothing to report. But there will be soon; if I have to set fire to the Senate building to make sure of it, then I will.

In the meantime, if you want an idea of how Hobbie's appointment to SC went, read on further down!

Clear skies!

Bria Terrik
Senator of Corellia

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The Wizard Brief

Article by Bryce

Upon the deadline of the Fantasy Avatar Competition a few days ago, the Wizards finished collecting avatars from an array of fantasy subjects, including, but not limited to, Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia. The team is now working on organizing and adding these new fantasy avatars to our chat room, Minas Tirith. Additionally, the winner of the competition will be announced in the near future, so keep a look out for that. The Wizards would like to thank the few that participated in the contest for doing so; without your involvement, the Fantasy Sector would be nothing.

Alivan (CL6)
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Generic Award Interview, sort of

Article by Bria

So, no awards this month. Who cares? I interviewed AJ to ask exactly that. Well, not that, but why does it matter, anyway?
No, in fact, it was more a spur-of-the-moment thing. That seems to happen to me a lot, recently. Anyway, here's the interview; enjoy!

I'll interview you. :(
Ok. Do you want me lying down? :)

Make yourself comfortable. :) And just try to relax.


How do you feel about having won this award?
I didn't win any award? :(

Just pretend you did. Work with me!
Oh. Fine :@ It feels good. Not as good as [snip]. But good. :) Print that :@

I'm not printing that :@ I'm censoring it. :(

Fine. :( Next question :@

Uhm... you recently - well, fairly recently - came back out of retirement. Why, oh why, did you do that?
The [snip].

Andrew! :(

Svenja! :(

You're a devil to interview. :(

I know :( Fine, answer: call me arrogant, but it's because I'm damn good at what I do. :)

No argument here. So... is it good to be back?
It's good for OTF that I'm back. :)

Because I'm good at what I do! :(

Oh yeah. I swear I was paying attention. So... any last words?
"But... it was so artistically done!"

I'd like to thank my wonderful fella for answering my questions on such short notice. You rawk. Next month, we should be back to the normal interviews!

Note: "[snip]" signifies my censoring material that may, possibly, perhaps, break the PDs in some shape or form. It does not represent any violent actions on my, or anyone else's, part(s).

Bria Terrik
Senator of Cardellia

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OZD Agent of the Month Interview

Article by Kayana

For this month's OZD Agent of the Month Interview I have the pleasure of interviewing CL8 Babel/The Doctor/J! Without further ado..

1.Name, rank and physical location?
Jeremy aka Babel, CL8, London

2. Why did you join the OZD?
I waned to contribute again to OTF and to the Trek side in particular. Brady asked and I happily accepted.

3. What do you like best about the OZD?
That it's a creative bunch of people who want to improve and help OTF.

4. Tell us a bit more about the city you live in, what are some of your best/worst memories there? :o)
London is a wonderful city, full of history, life, variety . . . it has a rhythm of its own, that gets into your soul and makes you never want to leave. Best memory? Well among them would be the 2005 OTF Union. Lots of great people there, wonderful time! Worst? Ah . . . well . . . ask me sometime when my guard is down!

5. Favorite ST episode?
I've got to go for 'The City on the Edge of Forever'. Wonderful. A great, imaginative plot, a love story that ends in tragedy .. fantastic. Shatner was never better.

6. As The Doctor, what would be your advice to OTFers?
Be passionate. Hold true to your beliefs and try to treat others as you would want to be treated yourself. And be forgiving - not least of all, forgiving of ourselves.

7. The Doctor (Dr. Who) vs. Professor Charles Xavier (XMen)- who would win? What would the fight be like?
They wouldn't fight. They'd play chess, most likely. But if it came to it, I'm afraid the Doctor would win - he always does! He has more hair, for starters.

8. How did you find out about OTF?
Kady told me. We met on a Kirk v Picard message board *l*

9. You've been in ST Command for quite some time-what's the most significant change/favorite thing you've seen happen since then?
The Vision plan was the biggest change but my favourite thing was the time I conducted promotions 'live' in the chat - as I recall I promoted Brandi and Eagle to CL5, that was nice to do that!

10. Any other comments? :)
Thank you for your interesting questions, it was a pleasure!

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The Rank O'Matic

Article by Iain

Hello world!

Having just proved that I am a generic (working) test script, I would like to go on to babble some more. Bria informs me that "This month's Blue Report is a mockery of itself". So, in that vein...

Last month, Hobbie (CL7) was our victim. He got the rank "Official Wookiee Masseuse", submitted by a member of our very own editorial team (unbiasedly of course).

So: congratulations Kayana... ra ra ra!

And, massive thank you to the ever-wonderful Aeon for this award image!

Now, out with the old, and in with the new.

In other words:

Click this link and poke the bunny vote a rank for the bunny!

NB: Do try not to fall off a chair while doing so.

To kill a mockery bird...

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Cartoon: Spoons.

Article by Polson

[Enlarge comic in a new window.]

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Agony at OTF: Episode One

Welcome to the first ever edition of Violets Are Blue, the OTF agony aunt column. My name's Violet. I put "Auntie" in front of my name so that people feel they can tell me anything.

This past month has seen the infamous Valentine's Day, when people all over the world enter a competition to see who can make me throw up first. I've had loads of letters, so let's get answering some dilemmas, shall we?

Dear Auntie Violet, My girlfriend is really lovely and we have a great relationship. The only thing is, she's a kleptomaniac and she keeps stealing my wallpaper. What should I do?
- In Love

Dear In Love,
Redecorate. Get her to help you in obtaining the necessary materials at your local hardware store.

Dear Auntie Violet, I've liked this guy for ages, he's a policeman and on Valentine's Day he gave me a parking ticket, I've kept it and hung it on my wall. He's called me about it three times. My friends think it means that he likes me back, do you agree or am I reading too much into this?
- Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,
Pay the fine and see if he keeps calling you after that.

Dear Auntie Violet,
I've been putting on so much weight lately and it has really messed up my figure. I've tried everything from Pilates to weight loss pills, nothing works. My dietician said that eating fast food stops these things from working, and I should exercise more, but it's too much effort. None of my clothes fit anymore! Any advice?
- Slightly Obese.

Dear Slightly Obese,
Buy new clothes. Walking – or sitting – around naked isn't going to make you any friends when you look like that.

And that's that for this month. If you have a burning question and you need some advice, drop me a line! Remember: Real Help for Real Problems.

All the best,
Violent Violet
OTF's Aunt of Agony

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The REAL story behind Star Wars... part X


Osiris carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the canyon with his Superdoopergreenblinkylightnightvisiongoggles. He spots the two riderless elephantsBanthas. Deepio struggles up behind the young adventurer, wishing she had better knees.

There are two Banthaphants down there but I don't see any...wait a second, they're Sandpeople all right. I can see one of them now (d'uh, Banthas and sandpeople together, who would have guessed....). I think he's building the Taj Mahal, he has a pink bucket and spade.

Osiris watches the distant Tusken Raider through his Superdoopergreenblinkylightnightvisiongoggles. Suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view (woah, extreme closeup!). Before Osiris or Deepio can react, a large, gruesome (ah, maybe he's having a bad tusk day) Tusken Raider looms over them. Deepio is startled and runsbacks away, right off the side of the cliff (knees I tell you, knees!). She can be heard for several moments as she clangs, bangs, curses and rattles down the side of the mountain. The towering creature brings down his curved, double-pointed gaderffii (okay, spelling police- if gaffi? Grafitti? Goofy? Yeah, Goofy stick) - the dreaded axe blade that has struck terror in the heart of the local settlers. But Osiris manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which is smashed to pieces (cheap import!). The terrified farm boy Clark Kent scrambles backward until he is forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Tomb Raider stands over him with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh.

Yo-ho-ho, a raider's life for me!


Ajay forces himself into the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks as the vicious Sandcastlepeople walk past carrying the inert Osiris Skywalker, who is dropped in a heap before the speeder (he fought like a girl). The Sandcastlepeople ransack the speeder, throwing parts and supplies in all directions when really, they could just have driven it away and sold it for cash. Suddenly they stop - hammer time. Then everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard echoing throughout the canyon (it's a Celine Dion song) which sends the Sandcastlepeople fleeing in terror. Ajay moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound (slight swishing? What happened to the moan?) that frightened off the Sandcastlepeople grows even closer, until a shabby old desert-rat of a man appears and leans over Osiris. His ancient leathery face, cracked and weathered by exotic climates is set off by dark, penetrating eyes and a scraggly white beard, all of which can be cured with a tub of Olay and a comb. Ben Kenobi squints (sunglasses folks, will they ever learn...) his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. Ajay makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him.

Hello there, dustbin-shaped acquisition! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid, I'm just a crazy old hermit.

Ajay waddles over to where Osiris lies crumpled in a heap and begins to whistle and beep his concern whilst kicking him with his middle foot and stealing his library card. Ben puts his hand on Osiris's forehead with a thwap and he begins to come around.

Don't worry, he'll be all right, I didn't hit him that hard.

What happened? Why does my face hurt? Oh no, my library card!

Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still in one piece. Those goofy sticks are dangerous.

Ben? Ben-crazy-old-hermit-possibly-Ma-Jin-Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you and your unkempt beard!

The Jundland wastes are not to be travelled lightly, next time, bring a shovel and a backpack. Tell me young Osiris, whose name I inexplicably know, what brings you out this far?

Oh, my speeder... I mean this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master...I've never seen such devotion in a droid before, which is a bit creepy if you think about it... there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of a Ma-Jin Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about? Do you know where I can cancel my library subscription?

Ben ponders this for a moment, scratching his scruffy beard. Dandruff floats to the ground.


Ma-Jin Kenobi...Ma-Jin... Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time... a long time, and which we never really have explained to us despite three prequels. Too bad we were following the adventures of Emokin Skywalker and the traders from hell.

I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.

Oh, he's not dead, not... not yet. Though he does need hair conditioner.

You know him! -coincidentally named crazy old hermit?

Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Ma-Jin since oh, before you were born, back in the days of flared cloaks and cloned sheeps.

Then the droid does belong to you.
Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. Very interesting... and convenient how I'm not mentioning seeing this droid throughout my younger days (mutter).

He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs.

I think we better get indoors. The Sandcastlepeople are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater numbers. It's lucky how doors repel these deadly creatures, isn't it. Yes, a good plank of wood prevents all incursions by elephants.

Osiris sits up and rubs his head. Ajay lets out a pathetic beep and whistles "Dust in the wind", causing Osiris to remember something. He looks around.


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DSC Decisions

This is an account of the discussion that took place in the Senate on the day that Jaden resigned. Events were recorded by the Chamber Cam and later transcribed by a nameless individual, who shall remain nameless to avoid any "accident" involving mops or thermal detonators. Enjoy!

Listen up, people! I'm leaving. I have better things to do with my time than sitting around terrorising you lot. You're no fun. So from now on, Hobbie's in charge.

You couldn't just leave, you had to deliver that final parting blowÂ… uhm, no offence, Hobbie. Sir.

Shut up, Majin. And go clean the kitchen, it's a mess. Again. Now, since I'm SC, we need a new DSC, so let's –

In fairness, that's because you left it that way.

So what? I'm in charge, you heard the lady. If I feel like cleaning the kitchen, I will. But I don't, so you guys get to do it instead.

He's been in charge for less than a minute and already I hate him.

Queen Demon
Hey now, let's not be too harsh. Have some cake, everyone!

Cynara (looks up from her book)
Oooh, cake. Thanks, QD!

I'll have the cake, but I'm not cleaning the kitchen. Don't we have droids for that?

We did, but Bria took them apart for spare parts and sold them on the black market.

I did not!

Yes you did! I was there!

I agree with AJ!

You two aren't even in the Senate, you don't belong into this script. Get out!

I can't believe you sold our droids.

Why are we talking about droids? We're supposed to be deciding on a new DSC!

Bria (to Majin)
Here's a mop and bucket.

You know, I think it'd be a good idea to just buy some new droids. Can't be that difficult.

This cake is really nice. Can I have some more?

Is anyone even listening to me?

Majin (to Bria)
I'm not cleaning the kitchen! Why don't you do it?

Queen Demon
More cake! Here you go, KypD! D'you want some gin with that?

Bria (to Majin)
Because I'm not the one who messed it up.

Neither am I!

You two are worse than kids!

I don't think KypD should be drinking gin, she's underage.

Will you all shut up and listen to me?

Be quiet, Hobbie, will you? You're starting to annoy me.

Hobbie takes the mop and hits Bria over the head with it. Majin catches Bria before she hits the floor, and Hobbie empties the bucket over both.

Now will you listen?!

Queen Demon
You're never too young to drink gin, or too old to enjoy waterslides!

Majin (dripping)

Thank you. Now, I was considering –

Osiris (walking in)
What the heck is going on? I can hear you all the way over in the armory!

Jaden's gone, Hobbie's in charge, and has started beating everyone up.

KypD (taking another sip from her drink)
Yup. He's a tyre... tyra... tie-die... tired... a whaddayacallit. *nods, hiccups*

Must be something about being a Supreme Chancellor.

Hobbie (yelling)
I am NOT beating everyone up! I'm trying to get things organised here!

Violence is not the answer, you know.

KypD collapses into fits of giggles, Cynara narrowly avoids choking on her drink, and Majin's features spread into a wide grin. Even Queen Demon and Soka can't quite hide their amusement.

Hobbie (shaking his head)
I can't believe I got myself into this.

Bria (gathering herself up)
I can't believe you knocked me out!

Iain (innocently)
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

For the last time, Iain, get out of my script!

Hobbie (glaring at Bria)
Your script?!

CT (walking in)

Everyone stands to attention by reflex, except KypD, who clings to Soka and waves daintily, clutching Bria's sketchbook like a fan.

I can't believe the noise in here. I've had enough of you lot. Hobbie, if this happens again, you're all fired. AJ and Iain, make yourselves useful and take that mop off Bria. Soka, get KypD to bed, please. Cynara, Queen Demon, get this place cleaned up. Osiris, step away from the thermal detonator. Majin, go clean the kitchen. And I don't want to hear another sound outta here until tomorrow at least.

CT turns around and walks back out. Silence descends on the room, only interrupted by KypD's hiccups. Cynara rescues Bria's sketchbook from KypD. Osiris takes one last look at the thermal, sighs, and shuffles out, armory-wards. AJ hands Majin the mop. Iain finishes the last of the cake.

Majin (looking at the mop in his hand)

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To CL3:

  • Jedi Master Sy Deville (SW)
  • saavik (ST)

  • [See Full Article]