The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XXI

Article by Queen of the Universe

90. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - CENTRAL HOLD AREA AND FREE BAR.

Ma-jin watches Osiris practice the lightsaber with a small "seeker" robot. He's doing okay for someone with two left feet and has only singed the floor once. Ma-jin suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint. Sauron is on the rise.

OSIRIS
Are you all right? What's wrong? Was it my cooking? I know I don't prepare very good Bantha burgers, but the imitation blue milk tasted fine.

MA-JIN
I felt a great disturbance in the Force... as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced, a bit like getting rejected on Pop Idol over a massive scale. I fear something terrible has happened, like season two of Heroes.

Ma-jin rubs his forehead, there is a small squeaking sound. He seems to drift into a trance, or dozes off. Then he fixes his gaze on Osiris.

MA-JIN
You'd better get on with your exercises, wave the lightsaber around some, it always looks gosh darn impressive when fanboys give it a go, even if they can't do anything else.

Hobbie Solo enters the room with a jaunty walk, thanks to uneven floor plating.

HOBBIE
Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs *preens*. I told you I'd outrun 'em. You may all kiss my feet.

Osiris is once again practising with the lightsaber, spinning it around and around with one hand. Indeed, it looks most impressive if ultimately pointless (as my fencing tutor always said - you leave yourself open, you see, pointless... ahem).

HOBBIE
Don't everyone thank me at once, and mind the furniture with that thing, we just re-upholstered in faux suede.

Deepio watches KypDBacca and Ajay who are engrossed in a game in which three-dimensional holographic figures move along a chess-type board. That would be chess then, making the board round makes no difference at all.

HOBBIE
Anyway, we should be at Alderaanduran about oh-two-hundred hours, which is two in the morning for you non-space types *smirk*. See, Kyppy, told you learning that wasn't silly.

KypDBacca (ignoring Hobbie) and the two robots sit around the lighted not-chess table covered with small holographic monsters (the table, not KypDBacca and the droids, though that sounds like a great band). Each side of the round table has a small computer monitor embedded in it. KypDBacca seems very pleased with as she rests lanky fur-covered arms over her head.

DEEPIO
Now be careful, Ajay, we already have three hits on our battleship.

Ajay immediately reaches up and taps the computer with his stubby claw hand/weeding tool attachment, causing one of the holographic creatures to walk to a new square on the round board (can you have squares on a round board?). A sudden frown crosses KypDBacca's face, barely visible under all the fuzz and he begins yelling gibberish at the tiny robot. Deepio -who speaks gibberish fluently- intercedes on behalf of her small companion and begins to argue with the huge Wookiee.

DEEPIO
He made a fair move. Screaming about it won't help you, plus, breath mint much?

HOBBIE (interrupting - when doesn't he?)
Let her have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee, though yeah,*mumbles to himself* breath mint much.

DEEPIO
But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid! Droid rights and peace!

HOBBIE
That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their socket when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that - amongst other amusing acts of irrational violence. Why, this one time we were in this bar, and I was chatting up this girl with a really big pair of ears-

DEEPIO
I see your point, sir, despite the fact you've obviously never seen the giant, arm-ripper droids of Spagbol 4. Still, I suggest a new strategy, Ajay. Let the Wookiee win, *softly* you can set fire to her fur later, when she's asleep.

Osiris stands in the middle of the small hold area; he seems frozen in place. A humming lightsaber is held high over his head, which is a pretty useless fighting stance if you ask me because he's left himself open again and *snip*. Ma-jin watches him from the corner, studying his movements, probably thinking the same thing. Hobbie watches with a bit of smugness - so no change there.

MA-JIN
Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him, like a good curry.

OSIRIS
You mean it controls your actions?

MA-JIN
Partially, well, not the curry. But it also obeys your commands.

Suspended at eye level, about ten feet in front of Osiris, a "seeker", a chrome baseball-like robot covered with antennae, hovers slowly in a wide arc. The ball floats to one side of the youth then the other, perhaps trying to hypnotise him. Suddenly it makes a lightning-swift lunge and stops within a few feet of Osiris's face. Osiris doesn't move and the ball backs off in a huff. It slowly moves behind the boy, then makes another quick lunge, this time emitting a stream of peanuts as it attacks. They hit Osiris in the leg causing him to tumble over. Hobbie lets loose with a burst of laughter.

HOBBIE
You've been a-salted! Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid, or a rolled up newspaper.

OSIRIS
You don't believe in the Force, do you? Not that I did until about three hours ago, but still...

HOBBIE
Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. *Deepio mutters something that sounds like 'Spagbol 4'* I've seen a lot of strange stuff, like that chick with the ears, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny. Damn, if there was, I'd never get naked in the shower again.

Ma-jin smiles quietly.

HOBBIE
It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense. I'll bet he'll be wanting you to spend three days in a block of ice next, or at the top of a tall pole.

MA-JIN
I suggest you try it again, Osiris.

Ma-jin places a large helmet on Osiris's head which covers his eyes (no, not his head).

MA-JIN
This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct. That first part shouldn't be too hard for you.

OSIRIS (laughing)
With the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight? Gah, this thing smells like armpit.

MA-JIN
Your nose can deceive you. Don't trust it.

Hobbie skeptically shakes his head as Ma-jin throws the seeker into the air. The ball shoots straight up in the air (I think we already ascertained that), then drops like a rock. Osiris swings the lightsaber around blindly missing the seeker, which fires off a volley of nuts which hit Osiris square on the seat of the pants. He lets out a painful yell and attempts to hit the seeker, managing to clip the tassle from a nearby throw cushion instead.

HOBBIE
Hey, the decor!

MA-JIN
Stretch out with your feeeeeelings *gives a mystic finger wiggle*.

Osirs stands in one place, seemingly frozen. The seeker makes a dive at Osiris and, incredibly, he manages to deflect the next round of peanuts. They ping off around the room and Hobbie catches one in his mouth. The ball ceases fire and moves back to its original position.

MA-JIN
You see... actually you can't with that hat on, but yeah, you can do it.

HOBBIE (munching)
I call it luck.

MA-JIN
In my experience, there's no such thing as luck.

HOBBIE
So what? The pan-sector Lotto winners all use the force? Look, good against peanuts is one thing. Good against the living, non-snack based critters? That's something else.

Solo notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel, below which is written 'brake now'.

HOBBIE
Looks like we're coming up on Alderaanduran.

Hobbie and KypDBacca head back to the cockpit, the latter shedding fur and stray peanuts.

OSIRIS
You know, I did feel something, aside from the fool. I could almost see nuts.

MA-JIN
That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world of pain and robotic limb replacements. Keep it up!