The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XX

Article by Queen of the Universe

88. EXT. VESPA OF DESTRUCTION - FLOATING THROUGH SPACE LIKE A BIG... VESPA.

Alderaanduran looms behind the Iain Vader's VESPA OF DESTRUCTION (copyright 1977) - which explains why the Dark Lord wears flared trousers on weekends.

89. INT. VESPA OF DESTRUCTION - CONTROL ROOM - THE ONE WITH ALL THE SWEEPS, CREEPS AND BLEEPS.

A random lackey enters the quiet control room and bows before Governor Texan, who stands before the huge wall screen (window- they aren't that flash) displaying a small green planet. The planet could indeed be called 'pea-like' as in 'like a pea'. Not a mushy pea, though that would be nice with chips and a piece of battered fish.

LACKEY PERSON
We've entered the Alderaanduran system.

Iain Vader and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Bria. Her hands are bound and she has a jam stain on her forehead. Clearly, she's been brutally tortured.

BRIA
Governor Texan, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board, meh, my poor, princessly sinuses.

TEXAN
Charming to the last. And as for the stench, that's the kitchens, it's garlic bread night. Ah, you don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life! I had to put down my cocoa!

BRIA
I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself! Or did you flip a coin?

TEXAN
Princess Bria, before your execution, and the resulting garlic bread party we intend to indulge in, I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle Vespa operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now (devolves into silent giggles of megalomaniacal mirth).

BRIA
The more you tighten your grip, Texan, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. Slippy, slippy, slip! Greasy fleecy mits!

TEXAN
Are mocking me? Well, you'll be mocking on the other side of your face after we demonstrate the power of this Vespa of Doom and Death and Destruction! In a way, actually, no, on purpose, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, and as the jam scone interrogator bot failed, I have chosen to test this Vespa's destructive power...on (da-da-da-duuuuum) your home planet of Alderaanduran. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, highness! Lackey, fetch me a cup of tea!

BRIA
No! Alderaanduran is peaceful. We have no weapons, no shields, we don't even have a Subway sandwich outlet. You can't possibly...

TEXAN
You would prefer another target, one with a high-salt and calory food chain? A military target even? Then name the system!

Texan waves menacingly toward Bria (hi there!).

TEXAN- TAKING A SMALL CUP OF GREEN TEA AND A CUSTARD CREAM FROM A RAPIDLY ARRIVING TRAY
I grow tired of asking this - ooh, sport biscuits, you know these haven't been the same since they changed the design, I miss eating the one with the imagine of Olympic carpet swimming. (munches) So, (spits crumbs at Bria) it'll be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?

Bria overhears an intercom voice announcing the approach to Alderaanduran and looks mournfully at a chocolate hob-nob.

BRIA(softly)
Dantooiooine.

Bria lowers her head, but cannot rid herself of the sweet scent of choccy biccy.

BRIA
They're on Dantooiooine.

TEXAN
There (dunks custard cream into tea). You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable.

(addressing Lackey)
Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready, ah, I love entertainment with afternoon tiffin.

BRIA
WHAT?!

The biscuit tray flies into the air as the shout shocks the tea-boy. Silently, half of Texan's custard cream breaks off and sinks into his drink.

TEXAN
My biscuit's fallen in my brew! (thus ends today's gratutitous Peter Kay homage) Fetch me a spoon! (spoke too soon) You're far too trusting. Dantooiooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your Rebel friends soon enough (starts fishing in his cup for the submariner biscuit)

BRIA
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (like father like daughter)

IAIN VADER - SUFFERING SLIGHT TINNITUS FROM THE NOISE
Commence primary ignition. You know, that big red button we always tell you not to push unless was say so.

A big red button we always tell you not to push unless we say so is pressed, which switches on a panel of lights that don't light up unless you push the big red button we always tell you not to push unless we say so. An Imperial soldier in a ridiculous hat reaches overhead and pulls a lever that doesn't work until the panel lights up after you push the big red button we always tell you not to push unless we say so. Another lever is pulled, that only pops out when you pull the lever that doesn't work until the panel lights up after you push the big red button we always tell you not to push unless we say so. Vader reaches for still another lever (quick firing, this weapon of mass destruction, ain't it, that could prove vital at some point, don't you think?) and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up (good grief, how hard is it to have a button that says 'fire now, do not pass go, do not have to wait for panels, levers and lights'). A huge beam of light (finally!)emanates from within a cone-shaped area (chocolate or vanilla?) and converges into a single laser beam out toward Alderaanduran (who have seen the approach of doom and managed to evacuate everyone and their cat in the meantime). The small green planet of Alderaanduran is blown into space dust.

Ah, mushy pea.