The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XV

61. EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY BROS - STREET (THE ONLY STREET).

The speeder pulls up in front of a rundown blockhouse cantina/nightclub/cream tea room on the outskirts (down the street at the end farthest away from the bright centre of the galaxy) of the spaceport. Various strange forms of transport,including several unusual beasts of burden, one Sinclair C5 and a Penny Farthing, are parked outside the bar. A Jawa dance troop runs up and begins to fondle the speeder whilst executing the Zombie dance from Thriller.

DEEPIO
I can't abide these Jawas. Disgusting creatures, no sense of rhythm.

As Osiris gets out of the speeder he tries to shoo the Jawa/s away (is Jawa the plural of Jawa? It sounds as if it should be, like sheep. Mind you, I've always liked sheeps as a word and shoop as singular. Maybe it's Jawai, like Mogwai, but able to be fed after midnight).

OSIRIS
Go on, go on, take your leg-dragging samba elsewhere. I can't understand how we got by those troopers. I thought we were dead. Oh... dead, my poor dead blue milk... oh... and relatives.

MA-JIN
Teh Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. You will find it a powerful ally, except when it really matters and then you're on your own.

OSIRIS
Do you really think we're going to find a spacebum/smuggler/diamond in the rough pilot here that'll take us to Alderaanduran? MA-JIN
Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here, which, come to think of it, is a bit odd, because if they're the best then surely they'd be in space, or somewhere popular... um... *cough* Osiriz, ignorz whut eyez sayed and watch your step. This place can be a little rough.

OSIRIS
I'm ready for anything, except perhaps falling in love with a long lost sibling. But then that's just never going to happen.

DEEPIO
Come along, Ajay.

62. INT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY BROS - CANTINA/NIGHT CLUB/CREAM TEA ROOM.

The young adventurer and his two mechanical servants (servants? servants? where's Herminone Granger and S.P.E.W when you need her?) follow Ma-Jin Kenobi into the smoke-filled cantina/night club/cream tea room. The murky, moldy den (you can see why those best freighter pilots wouldn't want to be anywhere else, right?) is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar, and also Paris Hilton. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures huddle over drinks- and that's just Paris. Ma-jin moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but human scum (scum, repulsive? my, he knows how to flatter). A huge, rough-looking Bartender stops Osiris and the robots (what a great name for a band).

HAGRID
We don't serve tha' kind here- 'arry!

Osiris, still recovering from the shock of seeing so many outlandish creatures AND Paris Hilton, doesn't quite catch the bartender's drift, though considering his size we're probably talking about the continental kind.

OSIRIS
What?

HAGRID
Ya droids. Tha'll 'ave to wait outside. We dun wan' 'em 'ere.

Osiris looks at old Ma-Jin (not a droid), who is busy talking to one of the Galactic pirates, heretofore unmentioned because 'best freighter pilots' sounds better, don't you think? . He notices several of the gruesome creatures along the bar are giving him a very unfriendly glare (cue the theme from 'Love Story'). Osiris pats Deepio on the shoulder with a clang.

OSIRIS
Listen, why don't you wait out by the speeder. We don't want any trouble witht the genre-displaced half-giant.

DEEPIO
I heartily agree with you sir Lewsie, plus, I see the recent smoking ban hasn't made it to this pit of despair.

Deepio and her stubby partner go outside and most of the creatures at the bar go back to their drinks and cream buns. Ma-Jin is standing next to KypDBacca, an eight-foot-tall, savage-looking creature resembling a huge grey bushbaby monkey (but they're cute) with fierce baboon-like fangs. Its large blue eyes dominate a fur-covered face and soften an otherwise teh awesome! appearance. Over the matted, furry body KypDBacca wears two chrome bandoliers (containing various amusing supplies, none of which is a comb) and nothing else. KypD is a two-hundred-year-old Wookiee-cushion and a sight to behold. Ma-Jin speaks to the Wookiee-cushion, pointing to Osiris several times during his conversation and the huge creature suddenly lets out a horrifying laugh, giving the impression this was about to end with Osiris sold for parts. Osiris is more than a little bit disconcerted and pretends not to hear the conversation between Ma-Jin and the giant cushion. Osiris is terrified but tries not to show it, despite sweating like a Sandtrooper and emitting a few parps of gas. He quietly sips his drink through a paper straw, looking over the crowd for a more sympathetic ear or whatever appendage passes for auditory reception. A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives Osiris a rough shove.

CREATURE
Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!? Honk honk!

The hideous freak is obviously drunk, and in posession of a comedy car horn. Osiris tries to ignore the creature and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby Human (Tom Cruise?) and an even smaller rodent-like beast join the belligerent monstrosity.

TOM
He doesn't like you.

OSIRIS
I'm sorry.

TOM
I don't like you either.

The big creature is getting agitated and yells out some unintelligible gibberish at the now rather nervous, young adventurer (how can he be an adventurer? He hasn't gone anywhere. Can I be an adventurer if I go to the shops?).

TOM (Contd.)
Don't insult us. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve systems and Spaaaarta!.

OSIRIS
I'll be careful then.

TOM
You'll be dead!

The rodent lets out a loud grunt and everything at the bar moves away. Osiris tries to remain cool but it isn't easy, as he is secretly peeing his space pants. His three adversaries ready their weapons/car horns. Old Ma-Jin moves in behind Osiris.

MA-JIN
This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you something... a chocolate eclair perhaps? How about a cucumber sandwich with the crusts cut off-

A powerful blow from the unpleasant creature (pick one, not sure which we're talking about here) sends the young would-be Jedi sailing across the room- wheee! crashing through tables and breaking a large jug filled with blue milk (noooooooo!). With a blood curdling shriek, the monster draws a wicked chrome car horn from his belt and levels it at old Ma-Jin. The bartender panics.

HAGRID
No duellin' outside o' Hogwarts!

With astounding agility old Ma-Jin's lightsaber sparks to life and in a flash an arm lies on the floor, thankfully, not his own. The honking monster is cut in two. Ma-Jin carefully and precisely turns off his laser sword and replaces it on his utility belt. Osiris, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, if not his own flying-without-a-ship skills, attempts to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The cantina/nightclub/cream tea room goes back to normal, although Ma-Jin is given an exclusion zone at the bar. Osiris, rubbing his bruised head- the safest thing he could land on- approaches the old man with new awe. Ma-Jin points the Wookiee-cushion.

MA-JIN
This is KypDBacca. First-mate on a ship that might suit our needs.