The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XIV

56. EXT. SPACE. THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE ZOOMS TOWARD ANOTHER GENERIC *snip*

An Imperial TYE-DYE fighter races toward the Vespa with a sound akin to cats on a chalkboard.

57. INT. IAIN VADER'S VESPA OF DESTRUCTION- DETENTION CORRIDOR.

Two stormtroopers play tic-tac-toe and finally manage to open an electronic cell door, allowing several Imperial guards to enter. Princess Bria's face is filled with defiance and covered in chocolate, (not from a hidden stash of Fererro Rocher, oh no, not at all...) which slowly gives way to fear as a giant black torture robot enters, followed by Darth Iain Vader (though how you can tell them apart from that description is anyone's guess, I mean, come on Imperials, colour your torture robots pink and add some glitter, it'll lull them into a false sense of security. Why am I not running the galaxy? I'd so pwn this, why I'd *snippity snip!*).

IAIN VADER
And, now Your Highnessness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base and... is that chocolate across your upper lip or five oclock shadow?

The torture robot gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches Princess Bria and extends one of its mechanical arms bearing a large hypodermic needle and a washcloth. The door slides shut and the long cell block hallway appears peaceful, indeed, a few plants and it would be downright cutesy. The muffled screams of the Rebel princess are barely heard above the sound of muzak. I think its the Kessel mine singer's version of 'Genie in a bottle'.

58. EXT. TATOOINE - WASTELAND- BBQ PIT

There is a large bonfire of Jawa bodies blazing in front of the Sandcrawler as Ma-Jin and the robots finish burning the dead, they don't cook the burgers the way a nice pack of charcoal bricks might, but when in the wastes you have to make do. Still the chicken wings are almost done . Osiris drives up in the speeder and Ma-jin walks over to him.

MA-JIN
There's nothing you could have done, Osiris, had you been there. You'd have been toasty flakes too, and the droids would be in the hands of the Empire. Here, have a smoothie and a chicken wing.

OSIRIS
I want to come with you to Alderaanduran. There's nothing here for me now. I want to learn the ways of TEH FORCE and become a Jedi like my father... are there any corn cobs?

59. EXT. TATOOINE - WASTELAND- DOWN THE ROAD A BIT

The Landspeeder with Osiris, Ajay, Deepio and Ma-jin in it zooms across the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff (thank goodness the brakes worked, though I still feel driving full tilt at a sheer drop is slightly foolish) overlooking the spaceport at Mos Eisley Bros. It is a haphazard array of low, grey, concrete structures and semi-domes, not at all like the busy metropolis some later trilogies might otherwise indicate. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor, a white plastic bag floats past. Osiris adjusts his Superdoopergreenblinkylightnightvisiongoggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where Ma-Jin is standing.

MA-JIN
Mos Eisley Bros Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. (No, really? Way to build a place up there Ma-jin. No Tatooine tourist board job for you!)

Ma-jin looks over at Osiris, who gives the old Jedi a determined smile. Ah, he gets over the death of the only blue milk he's known so quickly. Whatta guy!

60. EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY BROS- STREET- THE ONLY STREET MIGHT I ADD.

The speeder is stopped on a crowded street (the only street, remember, I've played Lego Star Wars, so I know) by several combat-hardened stormtroopers (hardened in the fact they actually hit the side of the barn in shooting practise) who look over the two robots. A trooper questions Osiris.

TROOPER- SOOPER TROOPER BEAMS ARE GONNA BLIND ME, SHINING LIKE THE SUUUUN!
Whoah! Dude How long have you had these gnarly droids?

OSIRIS
About three or four seasons, I lost the receipt, sorry.

MA-JIN
They're for sale if you want them, and the gold one has a sarcasm problem.


SOO- PA-PA TROO-PA-PA
Sarcasm, nice, that's like words with hidden meaning, dude. Let me see your identification, like, now or something.

Osiris becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his driver's license while Ma-jin speaks to the trooper in a very controlled voice and through a plastic comb covered in tissue paper.

MA-JIN
U don't needs to C hiz identifeekashun.

TROOPER
Ah, man! We seriously like don't need to see his identification, dudes.

MA-JIN
Theez iz not teh droydz ur lukin fer.

TROOPER
Hey, wow, these droidy things, they totally don't be the ones we got on our listy thing.

MA-JIN
He kan goez bowt hiz bizneez.

TROOPER
Hey blond dude, you can like, freely roll this ride of yours outta here.

MA-JIN
(to Osiris)
Move along.

TROOPER
Have a nice stay man, cruise on by dudes! Woah, they were totally rad peeps!