Act 24

Article by Queen of the Universe

98. EXT. SPACE.ADVERTISING FREE

The TIE fighter is losing ground to the larger pirateship as they race toward camera and disappear over head (I don't know whose head either).

99. INT. MILLENNIUMMYUMMY FALCON - COCKPIT.

The distant star can be distinguished as a small moon or planet, or a giant round killing machine of death cunningly named after a small moped.

OSIRIS
Look at him. He's headed for that small moon! Gosh, I really fancy a Ferrero Roche suddenly, can't think why.

HOBBIE
I think I can get him before he gets there...he's almost in range. Aw damn, now I want some choccies, too. I knew there was something else I needed to buy before we left the spaceport, but nooooo, we had to leave in a flippn' hurry!
The small moon begins to take on the appearance of a monstrous spherical battle station. Goodness gracious, a great ball that fires!

MA-JIN
That's no moon! It's a Ferrero Roche!

HOBBIE
It's too big to be a Ferrero Roche, and would you shut up about choccies!.

OSIRIS
I have a very bad feeling about this, I think it's hunger.

HOBBIE
Yeah, I think your right, we should totally head for the nearest hypermart. Full reverse! Kyppy, lock in the auxiliary power and break out the emergency candy cash.
The pirateship shudders and the TIE fighter accelerates away toward the gargantuan battle station.

OSIRIS
Why are we still moving towards it? More importantly, why- if we're still moving toward it- is the fighter accelerating away?

HOBBIE
We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in! Actually, I guess that should really be they're dragging us in. If I wanted to be accurate I should say 'We're caught in a vaccuum cleaner, it's pulling us in!' Maybe sucking?

OSIRIS
That's not the only thing that's sucking...But seriously, there's gotta be something you can do! Maybe drive left or right a bit? We might swerve.

HOBBIE
There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power and wiggling the drivey stick all over the shop. I'm going to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a fight! At least, well, I mean they will in this bit... but later, yeah, later they will not get me without a fight!
Ma-Jin puts a condescending hand on his shoulder.

MA-JIN
You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting, like a nice cup of tea and a game of snap.

100. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - VESPA OF DOOM.
As the battered pirate starship is towed/sucked/pulled/dragged closer to the awesome metal moon, the immense size of the massive battle chocolate becomes staggering. Running along the equator of the gigantic sphere is a mile-high band of huge docking ports into which the helpless pirateship is dragged... dropped? I dunno, parked?

101. EXT. VESPA OF DOOM - HUGE PORT DOORS. TINY STARBOARD WINDOWS.

The hapless Millennieminem Falcon is pulled past a docking port control room and huge laser turret cannons. Are they compensating for something?

VOICE OVER VESPA INTERCOM
Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are opening the magnetic field, please do not wear any metal objects nearby. This has been a public service announcement.

102. INT. VESPA OF DOOM - DOCKING BAY 2037. BY THE BINS.

The pirateship is pulled in through port doors of the Vespa of doomitty doooom, coming to rest in a huge hangar whose doors are not quite as large as the interior, making you wonder why they made the ceiling so high. Thirty stormtroopers stand at attention in a central assembly area. Perhaps they are going to form a human pyramid.

OFFICER
All dudes to your stations! (to another officer) Come with me bro'. *muttering* I hate having to speak this lingo.

103. INT. VESPA - HALLWAY.

Stormtroopers meander to their posts.

104. INT. VESPA - HANGAR 2037.

A line of stormtroopers march toward the pirateship in readiness to board it, while other troopers stand with weapons ready to fire... at the ship, not each other (though honestly, I wouldn't put it past them).

OFFICER
Close all outboard shields and switch off the porch lights! Close all outboard shields and switch off the porch lights!

105. INT. VESPA - CONFERENCE ROOM. I'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY HERE.

Texan pushes a button and responds to the intercom buzz with a buzz of his own, this continues for ten minutes before he pushes the correct button to answer.

TEXAN
Yes, is it tea-time now? Are there scones?

VOICE. FUNNY NAME FOR A CHILD.
(over intercom) We've captured a freighter entering the remains of the Alderaanduran system. Its license plates match those of a ship that blasted its way out of Mos Eisley Bros.

IAIN VADER
They must be trying to return the stolen Ferrero Roche to the princess, well huzzah and jollity! She may yet be of some use to us. I think this calls for fish suppers all round!