The REAL story behind Star Wars... part XIX

Article by Queen of the Universe

74. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON. MIND THE STEP.

KypDBacca settles into the pilot's chair and starts the mighty engines of the starship by hitting the ignition switch with a spanner.

75. INT. MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94. IN THE SHIP, OUT OF THE SHIP. I'M GETTING GIDDY.

Osiris, Ma-Jin, Deepio, and Ajay move toward the Millennium Falcon passing Hobbie, all this despite having just passed him in the last-but-one scene. It's a small deja-vu, indicating a glitch in the Matrix, please prepare for a girly, bullet-time fight.

DEEPIO
How's it hanging? ... I mean, hello, Sir.

76. EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY - WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME.

Eight Imperial stormtroopers rush up in dance formation to the darkly clad, not at all sinister creature.

TROOPER
Like, dude with the papier maché snout, which way?

The darkly clad (in case you've forgotten, he's sinister, too) creature points to the door of the docking bay and makes a squeaky sound by squeezing a small hamster.

TROOPER
Righteous! My fellow dudes, load your weapons, like, now I guess. Whoah, if we pull this off I say we hit the dunes for some gnarly sand surfing!

77. INT. MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94. NEAR THE GIFT SHOP.

The troops hold their guns and surfboards at the ready and charge down the docking bay entrance with frightening synchronisation and the occasional hip shimmy.

TROOPER
Yo to the pizza type ship! Like, stop already!

Hobbie Solo looks up and sees the Imperial stormtroopers rushing into the docking bay like a herd of breath mints. Several of the troopers fire at Hobbie as he ducks into the spaceship. Luckily, they miss, which only proves that the bad guys hire people who can't shoot straight under pressure.

TROOPER
Blast 'em... um, I mean... blast 'em again, but, fer sure, this time try aiming to his left, maybe then we'll hit him!

Hobbie draws his laser pistol on a piece of paper before pulling his weapon from the holster. He pops off a couple of shots that force the stormtroopers to dive for safety, proving that the good guys can't shoot straight under pressure, either. In fact, Hobbie can only hit bad guys at very close range, hence managing to take out old hooter mouth in the cantina. The pirate ship engines whine as Hobbie hits the release button that slams the overhead entry shut, though really, he should have just gone up the ramp.

78. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON. FAST PAN THROUGH GENERIC CORRIDOR.

HOBBIE
Kyppy, get us out of here! They're aiming wildly at my head!

The group straps in for take off. Yay for seatbelts in a starship! Honestly, who would build a spacecraft without them... that would be dumb...

DEEPIO
Oh, my. I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel, where is my soothing sounds of the sea program?

79. EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY - STREETS - PLURAL.

The half-dozen stormtroopers at a burger palace hear the general alarm and look to the sky as the huge trash can lid rises above the dingy slum dwellings and quickly disappears into the morning sky. One places his green Hutt shake back on the counter and slowly backs away.

80. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT - SLIGHTLY CLOGGED WITH HAIR

Hobbie climbs into the pilot's chair next to KypDBacca, who chatters away, pointing to something on the radar scope before hitting shuffle on her iPod.

81. EXT. SPACE - PLANET TATOOINE - W00T STARS!

The Corellian pirate ship zooms from Tatooine into space with a whoosh and the tinny sound of New Jawas on the block.

82. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT - NOW JIGGLING.

Hobbie frantically types information into the ship's computer using Word. Little Ajay appears momentarily at the cockpit doorway, makes a few beeping remarks about Open Office, then rolls away as the ship tilts.

HOBBIE
It looks like an Imperial Tortilla chip. Our passengers must be hotter than I thought. Gah, I should have sold them on Ebay! Fine, try and hold them off. Angle the satellite dish to receive Sky while I make the calculations for the jump to light speed. Where's my abacus?!

83. EXT. SPACE - PLANET TATOOINE - LIKE A BIG TURNIP.

The Millennium Falcon pirate ship (arr me hearties!) races away from the yellow planet, Tatooine. It is followed by two huge Imperial Tortilla chips and a Dip ship.

84. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT - STILL JIGGLING.

Over the shoulders of KypDBacca and Hobbie, we can see the galaxy spread before them (facing forward, otherwise we get a nice view of the hallway and the emergency toilet door). Osiris and Ma-Jin make their way into the cramped cockpit, despite the seatbelt light remaining lit, where Hobbie continues his calculation by flipping the beads on his abacus and mumbling about variables.

HOBBIE
Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to cut us off in three dimensional space...

OSIRIS
Why don't you outrun them? Or maybe go down, or up? Anyway, I thought you said this thing was fast.

HOBBIE
Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself flushed out of the emergency toilet door. We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. Up and down? Pah! I know diagonal! We'll lose them!

85. EXT. SPACE - PLANET TATOOINE GETTING SMALLER AS WE SPEAK.

Imperial Tortilla chips fire at the pirateship with their forward cannons and ready their harpoons. Arrr!

86. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT - NOW JUDDERING

The ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window. The bad guys with the big guns can't hit the broad side of a barn, just to continue the trend of sharpshooting incompetence.

HOBBIE
Here's where the fun begins! ROFLMAO with abacus.

MA-JIN
How long before you can make the jump to light speed? Would it help if we did some adding on our fingers?

HOBBIE
It'll take a few moments to get the co-ordinates from the navi-computer. I knew I should have upgraded from SpaceWindows 98!

The ship begins to rock violently as lasers hit the parts of the ship that are expendable.

OSIRIS
Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining? Do you even have a dual core processor?

HOBBIE
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! For one, there aren't any plants! Without precise calculations via my wooden frame of beads we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova - even one that hasn't happened yet - and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it? You, you... annoying person you!

The ship is now constantly battered with laserfire as a red warning light begins to flash.

OSIRIS
What's that flashing?

HOBBIE
We're losing our rear bumper! Go strap yourself back in unless you want to be plastered against the wall like silly putty, I'm going to make the jump to light speed.

The galaxy brightens and they move faster, almost as if crashing a barrier. Stars become streaks as the pirate ship makes the jump to hyperspace.

Wheee!

87. EXT. SPACE - ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT.

The Millennium Falcon zooms into infinity in less than a second. So... a nanosecond maybe?