Hello Human readers. Here are some questions that you asked Smeagol this month.

Dear Human,

"Boxers," "Briefses?" We did not know of these things until recently. To learn about them, we went to a place where the Outpost 10F people said we could buy them. "Wal-Mart" they called it. A terrible place, this Wal-Mart was; even worse than Mordor. It had shining bright lights and everything was white and gleaming like the cities of those horrible Elveses. The people were always smiling at us and saying "Welcome to Wal-Mart!" Fortunately, our violent hissing scared them away. Filthy Humanses...

After obtaining the boxers and briefses things, we returned to our cave to try them on. Nasty things, those briefses were. They clung so tightly to us, and we didn't like that. And when we looked in the pool at our reflection we saw that they made out butt look bony, so we discarded them.

The boxers were better than the briefses, but we still didn't like them. No, Precious. They was always bunching up on our legses, and the waistband thing left ziggy-zag marks on our stomach. We will stick to our loincloth, we thinks. However, if Smeagol were forced to choose between boxers and briefses, we would choose the boxers, since they was more like our wonderful ragged loincloth.

Dear Human,

Smeagol doesn't remember much about the time before we met our Precious. We figures that if we can't remember, then we couldn't have been very happy, could we? No Precious... Besides, we have been eating delicious, delicious fisssshes for many, many years, and have been quite fine and healthy during this time. Perhaps you should read this document regarding the important nutritional value of fisssshes. We thinks everyone should eat more fishes. Yes Precious, we do.

We have been told of this, "room service" thing, and have refused it. Smeagol doesn't like to be bothered. We eat intruders, we do. They have nice bones to crunch and munch.

Dear Human-Fan,

Oh yes, you must watch out for those nasty tricksters. You let them into your cave and share some nice riddles with them and all of a sudden they've stolen your Precious! Nasty, filthy, Bagginses!!! Gollum, Gollum, Gollum...

What we means is, that like all thingses in life, you must be careful, yes Precious. There are lots of peoples out there who are tricksy. But, if you trusts no ones, you ends up alone and single and living in a cave eating only one type of food... sigh.

Be careful, and take thingses slowly. Take lotses of time to get to know this girly, so that you can be mostly sure you can trust the girly, and that she won't try to steal your Precious. After a while, you can talk on the "telly-phone" thing. If she seems like a nice, trustworthy girly, you can go further. However, if she smells like Elveses and doesn't eat enough fish, Smeagol recommends you stay clear.

Dear Trollish Baker,

Fishcakes don't count? Don't count? You insults Smeagol! It's cultural prejudice, we says! Yes Precious...

To answer your biased question, we wents to a place called the "supermarket". Convenient, it was, especially the seafood section. However, it reminded us of the Wal-Mart place, so we tried not to stay too long. We found the cakeses in the bakery section. Oh, how hideous those cakeses were, and sweet and fluffy. We thought they would kill us, Precious, kill us! Especially the chocolate ones. Nasty, chocolate. Elveses made it, we thinks. Finally, we found something called "rice cakes". Neutral, they were. When we bit into them, we couldn't taste anything, not anything at all. We liked them the best.

Dear Human,

Long ago, before the Precious came, Smeagol used to sing songses with other peoples like him. We still sing by ourselves, now and then. We have a song about fishes that we like very much. We doesn't like Elf-music. It's strange and creepy and sticks in our ears like a nasty way we just can't wash away. Recently, one of the Outpost 10F creatures sent us some music in a thing called a "PADD". How this human fit so many bands inside a thin little pad is a mystery to us. It must be magic. Yes, Precious.

We listened to a band called "Nirvana", Precious. Strange, they were. The music was so loud it almost hurt our ears. But the singer had a nice raspy voice and sounded a bit crazy. We liked that. Maybe he lives in a cave too.

Then there was a song by a creature named "Moby". It was strange music, Precious. It was unearthly and almost put us in a trance. But then we came to our senses and stopped it. Filthy Moby, he must be one of those Elveses.

Last we listened to some songs by a creature called "Britney Spears". Smeagol didn't understand this music. The Britney Spears thing kept asking us to hit her one more time. Then she said she was our slave. Maybe she likes being captured by Orcses.

There are some strange people in this world, Precious.

- Gollum, Smeagol, and Precious

If you have a question or comment you'd like to send to Gollum, e-mail him at gollum@outpost10f.com. Outpost 10F reserves the right to edit your letters to Gollum at our discretion. All letters become the property of Outpost 10F.