Hello, Elijah Wood speaking.

Hello master Frodo! Nice master!

Oh. Hi Smeagol.

Yes! He knows who we is, he does! Nice master.

So... uh... how are you doing?

We is good. VERY good, master. Today we went to the outside world. A nasty, bright, place it is, yes precious. But we found something wonderful, we did!

Oh?

Yes! As we was running from a mob of fanses, we went into a building to escape them. It was not very dark inside, but at least it was darker than the outside. You know how we hates the nasty bright sun, don't you master?

Uh... yeah...

Of course you do... (GOLLUM). It was very moist inside the building, like a cave. We liked that, yes precious. The building, they call it a "mall". There were lots of peoples in the mall-thing, but they looked like they hadn't been outside in a long time, so we tolerated them, we did. It was very hard not to eat them, though. We bets they had nice bones to crunch and munch, we do.

Uh... well, you know I appreciate how hard you try to be good.

Oh yes! Nice master, nice Smeagol. Smeagol is good, but it is so hard sometimes.

So, why exactly did you say you were calling?

Oh, master, we was just getting to that! Inside the mall-cave we found something called a "kiosk". It was round, with a hole in the middle, like our precious, precious ring. You remember the precious, don't you master?

Uh huh...

Yesssss... inside the kiosk there were these creatures, they had big white smiles with lots of gleaming teeth. It almost blinded us sometimes, it did. But the creatures in the kiosk, they showed us these things called "sell phones". Magic, they are, we thinkses. You can use these "sell phones" to talk to peoples who are far, far away. Is that how the nasty white wizard talked to Sauron, master?

No. Gandalf said that they used ancient Numenorean relics called Palantiri.

Oh... well, these cell phones use some kind of magic, we thinks. The creatures in the kiosk, the were very nice. They said that they would give us one of the phones for free if we put our name something called a "contract". Then we could use the sell phone thing to talk people far away. It is a very useful thing! Oh yes, precious...

I see... so, how did you get this number?

Oh master! That is one of the many things you can do with sell-phones. If you push some of the strange runes on the phone thing, it will let you talk to a nice lady who will tell you how to contact other peoples. "Directory assistance" they call it. We used it lots, we did. Before we called you, master, we called that John-Rhys Davies creature who was in the movies with us. But he said that if we called him again that he would give us the axe. We didn't like the sound of that, no precious. Nasty dwarvses. So we called you instead. Master Baggins has always been good to us. Nice master, nice Smeagol!

Heh... good for me...

Yes! Good master! Do you know what else, master? The phone plays music, it does! When someone is trying to contact you, the sell-phone play a tune. And if you know which runes to press, you can pick the song that plays! We picked a song called "The Trout" by a creature called "Schubert". He must be very smart to write a song about fishes. Do you think that he liked fish as much as we does, master?

Smeagol, I don't think that ANYONE likes fish as much as you do.

Oh master, you knows us, you do! Nobody likes fish more than we does! That is another great thing about the sell-phones: you can use them to order food.

Yeah... um... I know this.

Is it not wonderful, master? We used the phone to summon food from a far away place called "Pizza Hut". We was stunned, because less than half an hour later a delicious, delicious creature called a "delivery boy" came to our cave! Very good, it was, with nice bones, to crunch and munch.

Hey Jeeves? Do you remember how to use the call block?

There was also a flat, round piece of bread with vegetables and cheese on it. We didn't eat that, it smelled awful. But there were some little fishes on the bread circle. They were stinky and delicious. We ate them, yes precious.

...

Master? Hello? Grrr... the nasty sell-phone isn't working! Why can't we hear you, master? Filthy, nasty sell phone! (GOLLUM! GOLLUM!) Hmmm... perhaps the fat, nasty hobbit is at home. We'll play some kind of prank on him using our sell phone! Oh precious, we're so smart...

If you have a question or comment you'd like to send to Gollum, e-mail him at gollum@outpost10f.com. Outpost 10F reserves the right to edit your letters to Gollum at our discretion. All letters become the property of Outpost 10F.

Also, please remember that Gollum is a wretched and twisted creature that has been malformed by the evil of the one ring. His insanity should not be taken seriously, and his opinions do not reflect those of Outpost 10F.

Gollum, Smeagol and all other references to "The Lord of the Rings" are property of Tolkien Enterprises under licence from New Line Cinema and Alliance Atlantis. No infringement or challenge of copyright is intended.