Hello Humanses,

You knows us. You've seen us on the bright moving picture screens... nasty bright screens. Our master, Peter Jacksonses, he made us a big star. Now everyone knows about Gollum and Smeagol and the Precious. Very rich it made us, and we could buy our own pond with lots and lots of fissshes for us to crunch and munch. Oh, Smeagol was so very happy! Our pond and our fissshes and our nice dank cave was all we needed.

But one day, when it was cloudy and rainy and the nasty yellow sun wasn't burning overhead, we decided to go for a walk. Yes Precious. We decided that we'd skulk around and maybe hunt some nice rabbitses to eat instead of fishes. It's nice to have a change now and then.

But while we were in the park, looking for those rabbitses, some Humanses saw us. They started screaming. It frightened us. But they was not frightened of Smeagol! No Precious, they came running right up to us and started pawing us. They started asking Smeagol for something called "autographs". And worst of all, they started taking pictures with their cameras, and those cameras had nasty bright flashes! It hurt our eyes, Precious, we so prefer the dark.

So we ran away, thinking that we could escape easily. Those peoples, maybe they had smoked too much pipe-weed. Very popular it is today. Nearly one out of five people have tried it, they say. Maybe they were hippieses, yes Precious. John Rhys-Davieses warned us about them, he did. So we forgot about the hippieses and went on our way.

But soon we learned that it wasn't hippieses. These nasty Humans were following us everywhere, Precious! On our way home poor we was mobbed, and they stole our best ragged loincloth, they did! Nasty thieveses! Oh, the air was so cold that day...

Tried staying at home, we did. But soon some of the Humanses found out where our cave was, Precious! Whole buses of things called "tourists" came by our cave, snapping pictures with their cameras. Oh, how all those flashes burned our eyes! Nasty Humanses, wouldn't leave poor Smeagol alone.

One day, one of the Humanses came right to the mouth of our cave. "How dare she!" we thought, and decided to creep up on her so that we could knock her out and eat her for dinner. But she spotted us, Precious. We were very annoyed. But the new Human was nice to Smeagol. She said her name was Kali D'or, and that she could take us away from the annoying touristses. We could live in a simulated cave, and eat all the fishes we wanted, and no one would ever bother us. All we had to do in return was answer letterses from fanses. So we agreed.

The Kali D'or took us to a "shuttle", Precious, and it flew far up high into the sky. We went up so high that the sky turned black like night: we liked that. The shuttle took us to a place called "Outpost 10F". It was shaped like a nice, dank mushroom, it was. We liked that too. We went inside the Outpost 10F and Kali took us to a room that was just like a cave! There were rockses and mushroomses and a big cold pool with lots of fishes to crunch and munch. Then the Kali D'or creature said she'd leave us be, and that no one would bother us. She said that she'd come back with letters for us to answer, but that wouldn't be for a whole month! Oh, that made Smeagol so very happy, Precious! So all day now we live in our dark cave and swim in the pond and eat fisshes. That's all we have to do until the letters come...

- Gollum, Smeagol, and Precious

Gollum, Smeagol and all other references to "The Lord of the Rings" are property of Tolkien Enterprises under licence from New Line Cinema and Alliance Atlantis. No infringement or challenge of copyright is intended.